Greetings hidden lurkers, I have returned from the dark abyss to vent about how much of a hot mess I am these days. So strap in because this post is going to be all over the place, much like my mental state.
Long story short I started having what I thought were mixed episodes and I started hearing things so my psychiatrist started tweaking my meds which ended up in a week long stay in the psych ward. During my stay the ward doctors came up with the idea that I may also have borderline personality disorder which could be interfering with the bipolar. So in an attempt to see what my base line mental state is I am slowly coming off of all my medications.
This process is long and tedious and if I’m honest, I’m completely terrified. Changing medications is one thing but not taking anything is like walking a tight rope without a safety net. For years I complained about having to take medication and I always wanted to be free of it all but now that my dream is coming into formation I’m not as happy about it as I thought I would be.
The adding on an extra diagnosis isn’t my favourite thing either, the bipolar was already enough of a handful and it definitely did not need a sibling. I mean, I’m so unstable right now the slightest inconvenience will tip me into raging emotions town. Parenting is probably the hardest thing currently because I was never very good at it to begin with but now I’m entirely useless, the more I pull back from the gremlin the tighter he clutches to me and it honestly makes my skin crawl right now, I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say about your child but I’m just so irritable. I want to be left alone, I want to run away from it all.
As for borderline personality, I read up about it and it definitely makes sense for me. I’ve always been emotionally unstable, insecure, self destructive and I’ve always fucked up my friendships and relationships. I fit into a bunch more of the traits as well (although a lot of people I know do).
I don’t know how it’s possible to feel so empty yet so full of pent up emotions but that’s how I feel. I have tried really hard with all of this brain stuff but I keep getting smacked down, things will get better but as soon as I get complacent they get ten times worse. At some point I’m supposed to catch a break right?
To make matters more stressful we are currently in the middle of getting the gremlin tested for autism, because life wanted to make things more interesting for us I guess. The gremlin is terrible at regulating himself which apparently I am also terrible at according to the psych ward doctors. So he and I clash something chronic and our household is very tense. The stress has led to a constant twitch in my left eye and my poor husband left trying to mediate the fighting that occurs between me and the kid.
So for now I guess I will play the waiting game medication wise and then outside of that I’ll do all the therapies that I have to do in order to make sure that I don’t run off into the woods never to be seen again.
I started the year out thinking that I would make 2020 my bitch, but then 2020 turned around and made us all it’s bitch so I don’t think I’m alone when I say that this year can go and fuck itself.
Reviews, thoughts and a lot of nonsense...... 