Drugs….

I hate taking my meds, I really fucking hate it. Everyday I have to force myself to take them because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need them, and sometimes I’ll go rogue and not take them but I generally get caught out by my family or friends and then I’m forced to take them again.

The shit thing about Bipolar is that, while 90% of it sucks, the manic periods can be awesome. I can get so much done! Maybe I’m just miss having energy, my body is so shit right now.

I just have no creativity and I keep gaining weight and it all sucks, and what makes it worse is that the doctors are still playing with my meds…..uuuuuggghhh

I do get curious as to what I would be like if I wasn’t on anything, when I say this to the people in my life they remind me that the last time I decided to go rogue with my meds I ended up in a psych ward……might be nice to have another vacation….Kidding mum!!

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The Gremlin

The Gremlin is now two and his interests include eating, throwing tantrums and wrestling with unsuspecting children that get too close.

I don’t know what personality I expected him to have but I definitely didn’t expect him to be so boisterous and crazy, especially since he is an only child. His current obsession is jumping off things, the higher the better, the amount of times I’ve had to catch him mid fall from the couch is ridiculous. Many of you might be thinking “Well why not just let him fall and then he might stop once he realises that it hurts” yuuuup tried that and it does not faze him, today at playgroup he got pushed off a big mat and landed on his face and he pretty much just got up and continued on with his day, meanwhile I was recovering from the small heart attack I had from seeing the fall.

The Gremlin also enjoys all things hot, especially fire, fire is his favourite. I don’t know what he is going to be once he grows up but I assume it will include eating, fire and wrestling. A fire eating wrestler maybe? Well whatever it is I hope it’s lucrative, I’d like to be put in a fancy nursing home.

Speech wise he can say a few things but the most prominent saying is “Oh shit” which is so great, especially when he is screaming it out at playgroup so all the other judgy mothers can look on in shock. His other favourite words are no, mumma, nanny and MORE lol.

Aside from that there isn’t much to report, he is growing up so fast…..but not fast enough! Come on school days!!!

Anyway, here is a picture of my kid.

 

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Isn’t he beautiful.

Where’s your head at?

I wake to the sounds of my child crying, my own human alarm clock. I close my eyes and silently beg for just 5 minutes more, as I’m not ready to start another day that will inevitably be just like the last.

While my little ones smiles give me bursts of happiness, his screams however, drive me to madness. I snap at him numerous times throughout the day, please stop making that horrible whinging sound, I’ll give you anything.

People tell me that all mothers have those feelings of uselessness, as if I should find comfort in that fact, but all I feel is hollow. My kid is 2 years old now and I’m still waiting for those maternal instincts to kick in, any day now.

Medication, medication, medication. I’m sure that people can hear me rattling as I walk by. I take them in the hopes that I will feel better for it but instead I feel twisted and lost. I fear that the search for the right medication and the right dose may very well destroy me.

The paranoia is kicking back in but luckily I’m too exhausted to feel terribly put out by the people in my roof and the whispering in my head can’t keep me awake any more than my child can in the middle of the day. Exhaustion runs my life. How is it that I can still feel so alone even though I never am?

I’m floating through my life in a drugged out daze, dreaming of the day when I will be free of this. Until then I continue on, groundhog day.

 

 

Eat all the food!

Tonight while I was eating pizza I realised that at some point in my life I had stopped eating like a human and had started eating more like a wild dog. I had crumbs all over me as well as bits of pineapple (Yup I am one of those pineapple on pizza freaks) and I blame it on the Gremlin.

As a mother it is very rare that you get to eat something without having to share it with your offspring, this is the reason why so many mothers hide away and quickly stuff their faces in various dark places around the home. Obviously my brain seems to think I need to eat like this all of the time, lest a small creature come forth and steal from me.

I have been trying to eat healthier for the last two weeks, and both weeks I have failed miserably. I have put on 30kgs since having the Gremlin and I feel like shit about it, the Husband says he doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure he only likes it because my boobs are massive.

I shouldn’t feel too bad about the weight because I do have some medical factors that make it difficult to lose weight and then there is the medications that make me gain weight. If I could lose even 15kgs I would be happy, but dieting suuuuuuuuuucks.

Just gotta learn to love the salads I guess.

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Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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Winter is coming ladies….

Winter is the best, snuggling up by the fire with a good book and a cup of tea, total bliss. Well it would be total bliss if I actually had a fireplace and time to read a book without getting my tea spilled all over me by a raging toddler.

I think I just love the smell of fires, don’t worry though I don’t like lighting them, although I think Iggy might. Sometimes I will light a candle in order to make my house smell nice for a change, but every time I put it on the bench Iggy will walk past it and attempt to sit by it but he is so fluffy so his tail has caught a light on a number of occasions. Now for safety reasons, my candles have been relocated.

The best part of winter is the fact that us ladies don’t have to shave our legs! Well if you’re anything like me winter has started a LOOOONNNGG time ago. Since The husband is deployed at the moment I have pretty much no reason to shave them.

Having to shave your legs is such a pain in the ass. I wish I was confident enough to just rock the hairy look but I look like I have the legs of the bear when I don’t shave. But sometimes it feels really nice to be all smooth and silky.

Well I’m child free at the moment, so I’m off to eat all of the food I’ve hidden from the Gremlin.

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So you’re crazy?

One thing I have noticed after my time in the crazy house is that a few people in my life don’t understand what Bipolar is and how shit things can get, but have no fear I am here to help you out!

“You don’t look depressed” Well thank you my friend, I’m glad that I don’t look as shit as I feel. People that suffer from depression are usually pretty good at pretending that they are fine. If we went around showing how awful we felt then we would walk around scaring the general public.

“You don’t have anything to be depressed about” This is one is pretty fucking insensitive, yeah I probably don’t have anything to be depressed about but that doesn’t change the fact that I AM depressed. It’s all chemical my friend, use the ye’old Google machine to educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

“Couldn’t you just try to be happy?” Could you just try not to be an asshole?

“You must get a lot done during a manic episode, your house would be so clean!” Manic episodes are great in theory and sure sometimes I do get a lot done but then when I inevitably crash and burn, there are a million different things that are only half done since I can never actually focus on one task long enough to get it finished.

The main thing that people don’t understand when it comes to manic episodes is that they aren’t always great. Manic episodes for me can get quite painful, I can’t concentrate, I get agitated and my thoughts race so much that it makes me feel sick just trying to keep up. Plus the higher I get in an episode the worse the low will be when I crash.

The best thing you can do for someone that suffers from any mental illness is just be there for them, obviously it’s important that you get them to a professional if things are looking really bad but most of the time it’s just nice to have someone to listen to you ramble about all of the craziness going on inside them. I’m very lucky to have people in my life who are there to pull me out of the darkness when I get in too deep.

Another important thing you can do is to educate yourself, it’s not hard to use Google and there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have loved ones that suffer from various mental illnesses.

So in summary, just listen and don’t be a dick.

 

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