Drugs….

I hate taking my meds, I really fucking hate it. Everyday I have to force myself to take them because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need them, and sometimes I’ll go rogue and not take them but I generally get caught out by my family or friends and then I’m forced to take them again.

The shit thing about Bipolar is that, while 90% of it sucks, the manic periods can be awesome. I can get so much done! Maybe I’m just miss having energy, my body is so shit right now.

I just have no creativity and I keep gaining weight and it all sucks, and what makes it worse is that the doctors are still playing with my meds…..uuuuuggghhh

I do get curious as to what I would be like if I wasn’t on anything, when I say this to the people in my life they remind me that the last time I decided to go rogue with my meds I ended up in a psych ward……might be nice to have another vacation….Kidding mum!!

funny-medication

Where’s your head at?

I wake to the sounds of my child crying, my own human alarm clock. I close my eyes and silently beg for just 5 minutes more, as I’m not ready to start another day that will inevitably be just like the last.

While my little ones smiles give me bursts of happiness, his screams however, drive me to madness. I snap at him numerous times throughout the day, please stop making that horrible whinging sound, I’ll give you anything.

People tell me that all mothers have those feelings of uselessness, as if I should find comfort in that fact, but all I feel is hollow. My kid is 2 years old now and I’m still waiting for those maternal instincts to kick in, any day now.

Medication, medication, medication. I’m sure that people can hear me rattling as I walk by. I take them in the hopes that I will feel better for it but instead I feel twisted and lost. I fear that the search for the right medication and the right dose may very well destroy me.

The paranoia is kicking back in but luckily I’m too exhausted to feel terribly put out by the people in my roof and the whispering in my head can’t keep me awake any more than my child can in the middle of the day. Exhaustion runs my life. How is it that I can still feel so alone even though I never am?

I’m floating through my life in a drugged out daze, dreaming of the day when I will be free of this. Until then I continue on, groundhog day.

 

 

One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

I’m back from my holiday in crazy town!

It was pretty much a whole lot of group work on positive thinking and learning skills to handle our craziness a littler better, but telling people to be positive won’t make them think that way….it’s alot easier to be negative.

But in an attempt to be positive about it all I shall list a few good points about my last four weeks in crazy town.

  • I managed to avoid getting lobotomized!
  • I made a couple of crazy friends…although this one has the negative side of me also gaining a stalker who goes by the name of “Sloth girl”. This isn’t her real name obviously, but I’m nearly 100% certain that she is an actual sloth disguised as a human.
  • I got free food
  • I managed to read a fair few books

In the end I don’t think I benefited a huge amount from the group work but that’s mainly because I hate people (especially early in the morning) but it did manage to get me motivated with my doctor and I actually found a really awesome psychiatrist. The downside of this is that I’m currently going through a med change which is the wooooooooooorrrrrrrssssssstttt. But I’m sure it will work out somehow.

As for positive thinking, I’m positive that it if I hear someone tell me to be positive again I’ll punch them in the face.

its-not-you

 

 

 

Backstreets back, alright.

I had thought that my first post of 2017 would have been upbeat and fun, but life has a very different idea for this blog.

I’m going to hit you with a trigger warning now because the seas get real dark and stormy from here on out.

Basically I hit a low and things got so bad that I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days.

The husband was away overseas for work and I had been struggling on my own for some time. I had a lot of help and I’m very lucky in that regard, but I kept a lot to myself in an attempt not to be a burden on everyone. I get paranoid about how much stress/pressure I would be putting on them, everyone I am close to has kids and/or full time jobs. They don’t need to be worrying about me and my problems.

The navy worked pretty quickly once they heard about the situation and got The husband home so he can be here for the Gremlin while I figure shit out, if all goes well he will head back out some time in February.

On Monday I will start a 4 week program at a mental health unit, I will have to do group program stuff and a whole bunch of other things. Right now I’m hopeful that it will work, but I’m pretty wrecked right now.

Ain’t life grand.

19e0beac2f9c56a333300c96b80dd3cc

 

 

 

Paranoid roof dwellers.

My brain is a fucking dick.

There are many things I hate about bipolar, but one of my biggest hates is the paranoia. When things start going bad, the paranoia is one of the first problems to rock up to the party and it is always the most damaging.

For me the paranoia is the trigger for the crippling anxiety and depression, because it takes all of the people in my life and says “Pssst, you see all these people? Well they hate you and wish you wouldn’t hang around because you’re so lame” or if it is feeling especially fucky it will say “Oh my god….don’t freak out but I’m 99% positive that there is a person living in your roof! seriously! I’m not fucking with you…holy shit there is someone IN YOUR HOUSE, ABORT ABORT”

My anxiety for the second option isn’t as bad as it used to be mainly because I’m so tired from the whole parenting gig that the idea of someone in my house isn’t as scary as the thought of dealing with the Gremlin without any sleep.

I’ll be honest though, I’m fucking angry. I’m angry that I finally think I’m in a good place and then all of this shit rears its ugly head to remind me that I have no control at all. I’m angry that as soon as the Husband isn’t around to help keep me grounded I immediately lose my shit and assume that I am a unlovable piece of shit who has no skills and will never amount to anything, but mostly I’m angry because it’s so painful to feel like this all the time.

Right now I’m finding it a bit hard to find my way out of this rut, half of me is like “You’re a strong independent woman and you should be able to sort your shit out!!” and the other half is like “……Hold me…..anyone?…..stranger in my roof??”

tumblr_o4jkrvuf941sodo64o1_1280

 

The shock of the fall review *SPOILERS….kind of*

Last year I came across this book and was immediately intrigued by the synopsis, which is as follows.

“I’m going to tell you why we came back from the caravan holiday without Simon and how I spent the next ten years living with him. About Nanny Noo’s typewriter and why dead people still have birthdays. About the shock of the fall and the blood on my knee.”

It took me a while to get it but I finally picked it up from the library and I am so glad that I did.

16120760

The shock of the fall written by Nathan Filer follows Matthew, who is trying to come to terms with his brothers death while also dealing with his own mental illness.

It is written as a memoir of sorts which I feel captures the thought process (or lack there of at times) of someone suffering from a mental illness so well.

As someone who suffers from mental illness I really feel like this book gives the reader a more realistic insight into what it’s actually like to live with such diseases and I also loved the fact that Matthews loved ones had such honest reactions to what they could see him dealing with, so often in books about mental illness the loved ones are skimmed over or just forgotten. Families and loved ones play a huge part when it comes to coping with mental issues, they can make things worse or they can make things better (Sometimes both things simultaneously) and I really loved that the book took the time to show just how hard things were for everyone involved.

I was almost at the end of the book when this paragraph jumped out at me….

“Mental illness turns people inwards. That’s what I reckon. It keeps us forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good arm or your good thumb seem to cease to exist.”

That is one of the best descriptions of mental illness I think I have ever read, I also think it’s fucking beautiful. Mental illness does make you selfish at times and personally it has helped me by becoming more aware of that so I can try not to make life a living hell for MY loved ones……It’s a work in progress kind of thing, I’m working on a rewards system for myself….it’ll be great.

The shock of the fall is a very raw and honest book and it doesn’t sugarcoat anything so if you are looking for a warm and fuzzy book this one isn’t for you…….obviously….but I highly recommend that you check it out at some point because it is worth the read.

And if you have already read this or if you know of any other books about mental illness that you think I should check out, please let me know! I really love reading about stuff like this, I suppose it resonates with me a bit and makes me feel less alone……plus I’m obsessed with crazy stuff…..Shhhhh.

STAY CALM!!

Alright everyone, this is going to be hard to hear but please try to remain calm.

*Deep breath*

We are currently in a hazelnut crisis….

Now a lot of you may be thinking “Why is this a problem?”

Well my friends, I’ll tell you…………Nutella contains hazelnuts….

Most people are aware of this fact because it does say it on the label, but there may be people out there that are always too overwhelmed by what Nutella represents for them that they lose the ability to read in it’s presence.

“Whaaaaaat! You mean this is a jar of chocolate spread that I can put on my morning toast without being judged?!?!?”

Now after some mild googling extensive research, I have discovered that the company that makes Nutella has released a statement basically saying “Hey don’t freak out ok! We don’t THINK that this will impact on the availability of this product…so just chill” 

But what about the price of Nutella??!?!? Will I have to win the lotto in order to keep feeding my habit??? or will I have to start stealing jars of the stuff out of the store in my pants?!?!

Who fucking knows!!

In the meantime I have been trying to figure out what kind of chocolate spread I could use instead, sure there are knockoffs but they taste like dirt compared to the real thing….I suppose I could just start melting down bars of chocolate and using that instead. But I don’t think the husband would go for that though…..the sugar crash would be horrendous. 

You know what, I’m not even worried! if all else fails I can just give up Nutella! I’m not even that into it anyway……..so you don’t even need to hide that jar you have there, it’s perfectly safe!!….In fact, I’ll watch it for you!

tumblr_m6kycivhGj1qaqb0co1_500

You can’t prove anything….