Drugs….

I hate taking my meds, I really fucking hate it. Everyday I have to force myself to take them because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need them, and sometimes I’ll go rogue and not take them but I generally get caught out by my family or friends and then I’m forced to take them again.

The shit thing about Bipolar is that, while 90% of it sucks, the manic periods can be awesome. I can get so much done! Maybe I’m just miss having energy, my body is so shit right now.

I just have no creativity and I keep gaining weight and it all sucks, and what makes it worse is that the doctors are still playing with my meds…..uuuuuggghhh

I do get curious as to what I would be like if I wasn’t on anything, when I say this to the people in my life they remind me that the last time I decided to go rogue with my meds I ended up in a psych ward……might be nice to have another vacation….Kidding mum!!

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Where’s your head at?

I wake to the sounds of my child crying, my own human alarm clock. I close my eyes and silently beg for just 5 minutes more, as I’m not ready to start another day that will inevitably be just like the last.

While my little ones smiles give me bursts of happiness, his screams however, drive me to madness. I snap at him numerous times throughout the day, please stop making that horrible whinging sound, I’ll give you anything.

People tell me that all mothers have those feelings of uselessness, as if I should find comfort in that fact, but all I feel is hollow. My kid is 2 years old now and I’m still waiting for those maternal instincts to kick in, any day now.

Medication, medication, medication. I’m sure that people can hear me rattling as I walk by. I take them in the hopes that I will feel better for it but instead I feel twisted and lost. I fear that the search for the right medication and the right dose may very well destroy me.

The paranoia is kicking back in but luckily I’m too exhausted to feel terribly put out by the people in my roof and the whispering in my head can’t keep me awake any more than my child can in the middle of the day. Exhaustion runs my life. How is it that I can still feel so alone even though I never am?

I’m floating through my life in a drugged out daze, dreaming of the day when I will be free of this. Until then I continue on, groundhog day.

 

 

So you’re crazy?

One thing I have noticed after my time in the crazy house is that a few people in my life don’t understand what Bipolar is and how shit things can get, but have no fear I am here to help you out!

“You don’t look depressed” Well thank you my friend, I’m glad that I don’t look as shit as I feel. People that suffer from depression are usually pretty good at pretending that they are fine. If we went around showing how awful we felt then we would walk around scaring the general public.

“You don’t have anything to be depressed about” This is one is pretty fucking insensitive, yeah I probably don’t have anything to be depressed about but that doesn’t change the fact that I AM depressed. It’s all chemical my friend, use the ye’old Google machine to educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

“Couldn’t you just try to be happy?” Could you just try not to be an asshole?

“You must get a lot done during a manic episode, your house would be so clean!” Manic episodes are great in theory and sure sometimes I do get a lot done but then when I inevitably crash and burn, there are a million different things that are only half done since I can never actually focus on one task long enough to get it finished.

The main thing that people don’t understand when it comes to manic episodes is that they aren’t always great. Manic episodes for me can get quite painful, I can’t concentrate, I get agitated and my thoughts race so much that it makes me feel sick just trying to keep up. Plus the higher I get in an episode the worse the low will be when I crash.

The best thing you can do for someone that suffers from any mental illness is just be there for them, obviously it’s important that you get them to a professional if things are looking really bad but most of the time it’s just nice to have someone to listen to you ramble about all of the craziness going on inside them. I’m very lucky to have people in my life who are there to pull me out of the darkness when I get in too deep.

Another important thing you can do is to educate yourself, it’s not hard to use Google and there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have loved ones that suffer from various mental illnesses.

So in summary, just listen and don’t be a dick.

 

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One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

I’m back from my holiday in crazy town!

It was pretty much a whole lot of group work on positive thinking and learning skills to handle our craziness a littler better, but telling people to be positive won’t make them think that way….it’s alot easier to be negative.

But in an attempt to be positive about it all I shall list a few good points about my last four weeks in crazy town.

  • I managed to avoid getting lobotomized!
  • I made a couple of crazy friends…although this one has the negative side of me also gaining a stalker who goes by the name of “Sloth girl”. This isn’t her real name obviously, but I’m nearly 100% certain that she is an actual sloth disguised as a human.
  • I got free food
  • I managed to read a fair few books

In the end I don’t think I benefited a huge amount from the group work but that’s mainly because I hate people (especially early in the morning) but it did manage to get me motivated with my doctor and I actually found a really awesome psychiatrist. The downside of this is that I’m currently going through a med change which is the wooooooooooorrrrrrrssssssstttt. But I’m sure it will work out somehow.

As for positive thinking, I’m positive that it if I hear someone tell me to be positive again I’ll punch them in the face.

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Backstreets back, alright.

I had thought that my first post of 2017 would have been upbeat and fun, but life has a very different idea for this blog.

I’m going to hit you with a trigger warning now because the seas get real dark and stormy from here on out.

Basically I hit a low and things got so bad that I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days.

The husband was away overseas for work and I had been struggling on my own for some time. I had a lot of help and I’m very lucky in that regard, but I kept a lot to myself in an attempt not to be a burden on everyone. I get paranoid about how much stress/pressure I would be putting on them, everyone I am close to has kids and/or full time jobs. They don’t need to be worrying about me and my problems.

The navy worked pretty quickly once they heard about the situation and got The husband home so he can be here for the Gremlin while I figure shit out, if all goes well he will head back out some time in February.

On Monday I will start a 4 week program at a mental health unit, I will have to do group program stuff and a whole bunch of other things. Right now I’m hopeful that it will work, but I’m pretty wrecked right now.

Ain’t life grand.

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SURPRISE!!!!!

Some couples come up with really cute and unique ways to announce that they are going to be parents, but the husband and I didn’t come up with anything.

So hey everyone, I’m pregnant!

I’ll be honest, the baby was a complete surprise. The husband and I were pretty shocked and I don’t think it really sunk in until we saw the little jelly baby in the first scan, needless to say we are both happy and terrified.

Mentally for me there are some risks, because of the Bipolar I had always said that I wanted things to be more planned out so we had some strategies in place to handle any craziness that may occur with me but I suppose life doesn’t work that way. I’m lucky though, I have a large support network and a great doctor who is extremely helpful and kind.

I am terrified about becoming a mother, all I know about babies is that if they start crying you should probably give them back to their mum/dad but now I will be the person that people are giving a child back to……Fuck. I know the things you’re NOT supposed to do so that’s a start, and people tell me you learn as you go….here’s hoping.

My biggest question is, at what age is it appropriate to introduce your child to the star wars films??!?!?! ANYONE?!!?!?

The feline family members sense that there is a change coming and once the baby arrives I’m pretty certain that they will NOT be thrilled with the new house resident, they may surprise me though….some cats love kids…..don’t they? Ah well they will be fine! The baby won’t be able to move itself around for a little while so at least they will have some time to get used to it…..or at least find some good hiding places.

Well I’m going to go and stuff my face full of food because the baby is hungry……yup….the baby is the one that ate that pack of biscuits in one sitting, DEFINITELY wasn’t me.

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Manic zombies!!!!!

Today I decided to clean the bathroom so I got all of the things I needed and off I went. Once I got to the shower I thought to myself “I should take my pants off so I don’t get bleach all over them”….There I was, sitting in the shower scrubbing away in my undies and  I didn’t think anything of it….

I continued cleaning and then after I had vacuumed, taken the rubbish out, cleaned out both kitty litter trays and hung up some washing, I decided to sweep the floor….as I was sweeping the kitchen floor I realised something……I hadn’t put my pants back on….

This ladies and gentlemen, is a manic episode….

A plus side of these events is that my house becomes immaculate….I do some of my best cleaning when I’m up….there are downsides though…..

1. I become convinced there are people living in my roof…..Like I’m pretty sure there isn’t….maybe….

And 2. My attention span is shot…… I could be best friends with a goldfish,the only problem would be that within a few seconds neither of us would remember what we were actually doing.

Anyway I watched the original “Nightmare on Elm street” and it was amazing!!  It always blows my mind when I compare original horror films with the remakes, it’s crazy to see how much the genre has changed.

My mum used to tell me about the first time she watched the original “evil dead”, she said it scared the pants off her….so we all watched it and I remember laughing my ass off at how ridiculous it all was. The husband and I went and watched the remake at the movies this year, the level of gore was very different….enjoyable….but different…

To be honest, I prefer the special effects from the classics. There’s nothing better than watching, what is obviously red paint, gushing from a person after a zombie has taken a chunk out of them.

…….anyway….this post didn’t turn out exactly the way I had planned……..TADAAAA

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