Drugs….

I hate taking my meds, I really fucking hate it. Everyday I have to force myself to take them because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need them, and sometimes I’ll go rogue and not take them but I generally get caught out by my family or friends and then I’m forced to take them again.

The shit thing about Bipolar is that, while 90% of it sucks, the manic periods can be awesome. I can get so much done! Maybe I’m just miss having energy, my body is so shit right now.

I just have no creativity and I keep gaining weight and it all sucks, and what makes it worse is that the doctors are still playing with my meds…..uuuuuggghhh

I do get curious as to what I would be like if I wasn’t on anything, when I say this to the people in my life they remind me that the last time I decided to go rogue with my meds I ended up in a psych ward……might be nice to have another vacation….Kidding mum!!

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Eat all the food!

Tonight while I was eating pizza I realised that at some point in my life I had stopped eating like a human and had started eating more like a wild dog. I had crumbs all over me as well as bits of pineapple (Yup I am one of those pineapple on pizza freaks) and I blame it on the Gremlin.

As a mother it is very rare that you get to eat something without having to share it with your offspring, this is the reason why so many mothers hide away and quickly stuff their faces in various dark places around the home. Obviously my brain seems to think I need to eat like this all of the time, lest a small creature come forth and steal from me.

I have been trying to eat healthier for the last two weeks, and both weeks I have failed miserably. I have put on 30kgs since having the Gremlin and I feel like shit about it, the Husband says he doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure he only likes it because my boobs are massive.

I shouldn’t feel too bad about the weight because I do have some medical factors that make it difficult to lose weight and then there is the medications that make me gain weight. If I could lose even 15kgs I would be happy, but dieting suuuuuuuuuucks.

Just gotta learn to love the salads I guess.

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Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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Winter is coming ladies….

Winter is the best, snuggling up by the fire with a good book and a cup of tea, total bliss. Well it would be total bliss if I actually had a fireplace and time to read a book without getting my tea spilled all over me by a raging toddler.

I think I just love the smell of fires, don’t worry though I don’t like lighting them, although I think Iggy might. Sometimes I will light a candle in order to make my house smell nice for a change, but every time I put it on the bench Iggy will walk past it and attempt to sit by it but he is so fluffy so his tail has caught a light on a number of occasions. Now for safety reasons, my candles have been relocated.

The best part of winter is the fact that us ladies don’t have to shave our legs! Well if you’re anything like me winter has started a LOOOONNNGG time ago. Since The husband is deployed at the moment I have pretty much no reason to shave them.

Having to shave your legs is such a pain in the ass. I wish I was confident enough to just rock the hairy look but I look like I have the legs of the bear when I don’t shave. But sometimes it feels really nice to be all smooth and silky.

Well I’m child free at the moment, so I’m off to eat all of the food I’ve hidden from the Gremlin.

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So you’re crazy?

One thing I have noticed after my time in the crazy house is that a few people in my life don’t understand what Bipolar is and how shit things can get, but have no fear I am here to help you out!

“You don’t look depressed” Well thank you my friend, I’m glad that I don’t look as shit as I feel. People that suffer from depression are usually pretty good at pretending that they are fine. If we went around showing how awful we felt then we would walk around scaring the general public.

“You don’t have anything to be depressed about” This is one is pretty fucking insensitive, yeah I probably don’t have anything to be depressed about but that doesn’t change the fact that I AM depressed. It’s all chemical my friend, use the ye’old Google machine to educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

“Couldn’t you just try to be happy?” Could you just try not to be an asshole?

“You must get a lot done during a manic episode, your house would be so clean!” Manic episodes are great in theory and sure sometimes I do get a lot done but then when I inevitably crash and burn, there are a million different things that are only half done since I can never actually focus on one task long enough to get it finished.

The main thing that people don’t understand when it comes to manic episodes is that they aren’t always great. Manic episodes for me can get quite painful, I can’t concentrate, I get agitated and my thoughts race so much that it makes me feel sick just trying to keep up. Plus the higher I get in an episode the worse the low will be when I crash.

The best thing you can do for someone that suffers from any mental illness is just be there for them, obviously it’s important that you get them to a professional if things are looking really bad but most of the time it’s just nice to have someone to listen to you ramble about all of the craziness going on inside them. I’m very lucky to have people in my life who are there to pull me out of the darkness when I get in too deep.

Another important thing you can do is to educate yourself, it’s not hard to use Google and there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have loved ones that suffer from various mental illnesses.

So in summary, just listen and don’t be a dick.

 

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One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

I’m back from my holiday in crazy town!

It was pretty much a whole lot of group work on positive thinking and learning skills to handle our craziness a littler better, but telling people to be positive won’t make them think that way….it’s alot easier to be negative.

But in an attempt to be positive about it all I shall list a few good points about my last four weeks in crazy town.

  • I managed to avoid getting lobotomized!
  • I made a couple of crazy friends…although this one has the negative side of me also gaining a stalker who goes by the name of “Sloth girl”. This isn’t her real name obviously, but I’m nearly 100% certain that she is an actual sloth disguised as a human.
  • I got free food
  • I managed to read a fair few books

In the end I don’t think I benefited a huge amount from the group work but that’s mainly because I hate people (especially early in the morning) but it did manage to get me motivated with my doctor and I actually found a really awesome psychiatrist. The downside of this is that I’m currently going through a med change which is the wooooooooooorrrrrrrssssssstttt. But I’m sure it will work out somehow.

As for positive thinking, I’m positive that it if I hear someone tell me to be positive again I’ll punch them in the face.

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Backstreets back, alright.

I had thought that my first post of 2017 would have been upbeat and fun, but life has a very different idea for this blog.

I’m going to hit you with a trigger warning now because the seas get real dark and stormy from here on out.

Basically I hit a low and things got so bad that I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days.

The husband was away overseas for work and I had been struggling on my own for some time. I had a lot of help and I’m very lucky in that regard, but I kept a lot to myself in an attempt not to be a burden on everyone. I get paranoid about how much stress/pressure I would be putting on them, everyone I am close to has kids and/or full time jobs. They don’t need to be worrying about me and my problems.

The navy worked pretty quickly once they heard about the situation and got The husband home so he can be here for the Gremlin while I figure shit out, if all goes well he will head back out some time in February.

On Monday I will start a 4 week program at a mental health unit, I will have to do group program stuff and a whole bunch of other things. Right now I’m hopeful that it will work, but I’m pretty wrecked right now.

Ain’t life grand.

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