I hate taking my meds, I really fucking hate it. Everyday I have to force myself to take them because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need them, and sometimes I’ll go rogue and not take them but I generally get caught out by my family or friends and then I’m forced to take them again.
The shit thing about Bipolar is that, while 90% of it sucks, the manic periods can be awesome. I can get so much done! Maybe I’m just miss having energy, my body is so shit right now.
I just have no creativity and I keep gaining weight and it all sucks, and what makes it worse is that the doctors are still playing with my meds…..uuuuuggghhh
I do get curious as to what I would be like if I wasn’t on anything, when I say this to the people in my life they remind me that the last time I decided to go rogue with my meds I ended up in a psych ward……might be nice to have another vacation….Kidding mum!!
The Gremlin is now two and his interests include eating, throwing tantrums and wrestling with unsuspecting children that get too close.
I don’t know what personality I expected him to have but I definitely didn’t expect him to be so boisterous and crazy, especially since he is an only child. His current obsession is jumping off things, the higher the better, the amount of times I’ve had to catch him mid fall from the couch is ridiculous. Many of you might be thinking “Well why not just let him fall and then he might stop once he realises that it hurts” yuuuup tried that and it does not faze him, today at playgroup he got pushed off a big mat and landed on his face and he pretty much just got up and continued on with his day, meanwhile I was recovering from the small heart attack I had from seeing the fall.
The Gremlin also enjoys all things hot, especially fire, fire is his favourite. I don’t know what he is going to be once he grows up but I assume it will include eating, fire and wrestling. A fire eating wrestler maybe? Well whatever it is I hope it’s lucrative, I’d like to be put in a fancy nursing home.
Speech wise he can say a few things but the most prominent saying is “Oh shit” which is so great, especially when he is screaming it out at playgroup so all the other judgy mothers can look on in shock. His other favourite words are no, mumma, nanny and MORE lol.
Aside from that there isn’t much to report, he is growing up so fast…..but not fast enough! Come on school days!!!
I wake to the sounds of my child crying, my own human alarm clock. I close my eyes and silently beg for just 5 minutes more, as I’m not ready to start another day that will inevitably be just like the last.
While my little ones smiles give me bursts of happiness, his screams however, drive me to madness. I snap at him numerous times throughout the day, please stop making that horrible whinging sound, I’ll give you anything.
People tell me that all mothers have those feelings of uselessness, as if I should find comfort in that fact, but all I feel is hollow. My kid is 2 years old now and I’m still waiting for those maternal instincts to kick in, any day now.
Medication, medication, medication. I’m sure that people can hear me rattling as I walk by. I take them in the hopes that I will feel better for it but instead I feel twisted and lost. I fear that the search for the right medication and the right dose may very well destroy me.
The paranoia is kicking back in but luckily I’m too exhausted to feel terribly put out by the people in my roof and the whispering in my head can’t keep me awake any more than my child can in the middle of the day. Exhaustion runs my life. How is it that I can still feel so alone even though I never am?
I’m floating through my life in a drugged out daze, dreaming of the day when I will be free of this. Until then I continue on, groundhog day.
It was pretty much a whole lot of group work on positive thinking and learning skills to handle our craziness a littler better, but telling people to be positive won’t make them think that way….it’s alot easier to be negative.
But in an attempt to be positive about it all I shall list a few good points about my last four weeks in crazy town.
I managed to avoid getting lobotomized!
I made a couple of crazy friends…although this one has the negative side of me also gaining a stalker who goes by the name of “Sloth girl”. This isn’t her real name obviously, but I’m nearly 100% certain that she is an actual sloth disguised as a human.
I got free food
I managed to read a fair few books
In the end I don’t think I benefited a huge amount from the group work but that’s mainly because I hate people (especially early in the morning) but it did manage to get me motivated with my doctor and I actually found a really awesome psychiatrist. The downside of this is that I’m currently going through a med change which is the wooooooooooorrrrrrrssssssstttt. But I’m sure it will work out somehow.
As for positive thinking, I’m positive that it if I hear someone tell me to be positive again I’ll punch them in the face.
I had thought that my first post of 2017 would have been upbeat and fun, but life has a very different idea for this blog.
I’m going to hit you with a trigger warning now because the seas get real dark and stormy from here on out.
Basically I hit a low and things got so bad that I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days.
The husband was away overseas for work and I had been struggling on my own for some time. I had a lot of help and I’m very lucky in that regard, but I kept a lot to myself in an attempt not to be a burden on everyone. I get paranoid about how much stress/pressure I would be putting on them, everyone I am close to has kids and/or full time jobs. They don’t need to be worrying about me and my problems.
The navy worked pretty quickly once they heard about the situation and got The husband home so he can be here for the Gremlin while I figure shit out, if all goes well he will head back out some time in February.
On Monday I will start a 4 week program at a mental health unit, I will have to do group program stuff and a whole bunch of other things. Right now I’m hopeful that it will work, but I’m pretty wrecked right now.
As the Gremlin gets older I am learning a lot about myself and my parenting abilities, but I am also discovering all of the things I wish I had of known prior to becoming a mother.
So I’m going to help out all you new mums by telling you the things I wish I had of known.
People will tell you that feeling your baby move is a beautiful moment….It’s not…It’s fucking nightmare fuel.
If you are lucky enough to have your waters break on their own it doesn’t come out all at once, it’s more like you are in a constant state of peeing yourself.
You will bleed a fair bit during the birthing process, you might be thinking “Well of course you would fucking bleed! you’re pushing a small human out of your vagina!” But believe me when you are in that situation anything slightly unexpected is pretty scary, so just know that bleeding is normal.
After giving birth your vagina will be swollen AF, once again this might seem obvious and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I was seriously freaked out when I went to the bathroom for the first time after the Gremlin arrived. Don’t worry, the nurses should give you ice pack things to put in your pants…winning…
There will be times when you look at your kid and think to yourself “You are a tiny monster” this doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Be prepared to break all of those parenting rules you have listed in your head like “I’m not going to let my kids have junk food” or “I’m not going to let my kids drink before 10am*” because once that kid rocks up you are going to do WHATEVER it takes to stop them from making that horrific screeching sound.
No matter how well you baby proof your house, your kid is always going to find that tiny piece of piece of Lego and try to eat it.
If your kid is sitting quietly and playing or watching TV, whatever you do DON’T GAIN EYE CONTACT! As soon as you do the child assumes that you want to fight so they will instantly start crying or whining, it doesn’t matter how lovingly you look at them, they will throw down.
You will become an expert at ignoring your kids, from what I can tell it seems that in times of intense whining the brain will shut down in order to protect the small amount of sanity you have left.It’s like science or something.
Lastly, what works for some doesn’t work for others! You will come across a lot of judgmental parents who will give you unsolicited advice but don’t beat yourself up if your choices don’t align with someone else’s. Babies are strange little creatures so if you find a routine that is safe and works for you guys, fucking go for it man!
So here are 10 things that I wish I had of known before the Gremlin came along, hopefully you found something helpful and if you didn’t…oh well.
*I only give my kid booze when he won’t sleep….just kidding I never give him any, mainly because I have already drunk it all.
There are many things I hate about bipolar, but one of my biggest hates is the paranoia. When things start going bad, the paranoia is one of the first problems to rock up to the party and it is always the most damaging.
For me the paranoia is the trigger for the crippling anxiety and depression, because it takes all of the people in my life and says “Pssst, you see all these people? Well they hate you and wish you wouldn’t hang around because you’re so lame” or if it is feeling especially fucky it will say “Oh my god….don’t freak out but I’m 99% positive that there is a person living in your roof! seriously! I’m not fucking with you…holy shit there is someone IN YOUR HOUSE, ABORT ABORT”
My anxiety for the second option isn’t as bad as it used to be mainly because I’m so tired from the whole parenting gig that the idea of someone in my house isn’t as scary as the thought of dealing with the Gremlin without any sleep.
I’ll be honest though, I’m fucking angry. I’m angry that I finally think I’m in a good place and then all of this shit rears its ugly head to remind me that I have no control at all. I’m angry that as soon as the Husband isn’t around to help keep me grounded I immediately lose my shit and assume that I am a unlovable piece of shit who has no skills and will never amount to anything, but mostly I’m angry because it’s so painful to feel like this all the time.
Right now I’m finding it a bit hard to find my way out of this rut, half of me is like “You’re a strong independent woman and you should be able to sort your shit out!!” and the other half is like “……Hold me…..anyone?…..stranger in my roof??”