The pile of anxiety.

I’m a pretty worthless person and I hate myself almost all the time. I don’t really know when it started but I do know that I felt this way for many years. I wish my brain wasn’t so fucked up, I wish I wasn’t so mentally wired to believe that everyone hates me.

I mean, everyone has their own stuff plus most people that have dealt with me before tend to disappear because I’m too intense or I have burnt them out. But when these things happen it just proves me right which is worse. I am fortunate to not have entirely alienated myself so I have a few people who keep me around, but I always feel like the clock is ticking.

The issue is I don’t actually trust anyone that much because I assume everyone wants to escape me but I so badly want people to want me around and to love me that it makes me an entirely inconsistent person.

I’m going back on meds now, mood stabilisers and since I can barely leave my house due to my anxiety so they have upped my fibro meds because they are also used for anxiety.

This post has no point and since no one really reads it I’m basically talking to myself. I guess I’ll take my worthless body back to bed so I can try to build up some energy to parent my kid.