Eat all the food!

Tonight while I was eating pizza I realised that at some point in my life I had stopped eating like a human and had started eating more like a wild dog. I had crumbs all over me as well as bits of pineapple (Yup I am one of those pineapple on pizza freaks) and I blame it on the Gremlin.

As a mother it is very rare that you get to eat something without having to share it with your offspring, this is the reason why so many mothers hide away and quickly stuff their faces in various dark places around the home. Obviously my brain seems to think I need to eat like this all of the time, lest a small creature come forth and steal from me.

I have been trying to eat healthier for the last two weeks, and both weeks I have failed miserably. I have put on 30kgs since having the Gremlin and I feel like shit about it, the Husband says he doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure he only likes it because my boobs are massive.

I shouldn’t feel too bad about the weight because I do have some medical factors that make it difficult to lose weight and then there is the medications that make me gain weight. If I could lose even 15kgs I would be happy, but dieting suuuuuuuuuucks.

Just gotta learn to love the salads I guess.

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Rogue Clowns?!

There are a lot of weird things happening around the world, but the most prominent weird thing for me is this fucking clown epidemic.

Now I am not a fan of clowns at any time, but I’m ESPECIALLY not keen on them when they are lurking in the fucking darkness. Fortunately I live in a relatively small place so I’m hoping that this fad doesn’t take off around here.

I’m not even sure what I would do if a creepy clown started hanging out on my street, I would much prefer to have zombies wandering around (classic zombies though, not those crazy fast ones) because they are just programmed to eat brains! I have seen enough movies and read enough books to be able to handle them and if I fail at handling them then I can just hide/outrun them. Psycho people dressed as clowns however, I would probably have a heart attack and die before they even got to me.

I mean, I’m sure that most of the people doing this are just doing it for a laugh, but there would be a small amount of people doing it with malicious intent. All I know is that I sure as shit don’t want any sort of clown running at me when I go out to check my mail.

So until this all blows over I shall be carrying a cricket bat with me at all times.

hey-there

 

 

#mumlyfe

My kid is about 17 months old now and he uses a lot of energy and when he has depleted┬áhis own levels he will siphon some from me….like a fucking leech. So generally a day in our household consists of him waddling around with various kitchen utensils and once he gets sick of that he just follows me around making that horrible whining sound that destroys a piece of my soul every time I hear it.

So in an attempt to downscale the whining I went to Pinterest to find some snack and activity ideas for youngsters, but all I discovered was that I am a terrible mother.

Pinterest mums are fucking intense, their blogs are beautifully set out but you gotta scroll through a lot of shit to actually get to the recipe or instructions that you had gone there for in the first place. But fucking hell, I went to Pinterest in hopes of making my life easier! not so I would have to spend an hour creating an activity for the Gremlin to use for a minute before he either tries to eat it or throw it.

I am all for any tips that will make my life easier but apparently all of the things that make life easier for parents are also frowned upon.

“Don’t let your kids watch too much television”

“Don’t give your kids junk food”

“Don’t let your kids play with sharp objects”

I’ll be 100% honest, my kid watches a shit tonne of television and he eats a lot of biscuits because those are the only things that will stop that high pitch screeching sound he makes, but I definitely don’t let him play with sharp or dangerous objects…apart from that time when I was brushing my teeth and walked out to find him walking around with a hammer, but that was like one time and I did confiscate it….I swear.

When it comes down to it, kids are great but they will drive you insane and if you are thinking “My kids don’t drive me crazy at all!” you’re a fucking liar because kids are programmed to be annoying. Admitting that your kids drive you bonkers doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you fucking human.

So who cares if your kids sandwiches aren’t shaped like stars and who cares if your TV is on all day and you eat lunch in the lounge room, as long as your kid is happy, healthy, safe and loved that’s all that matters.fowl-language-comics-tired-1e2dda5ad3ed8a162fadd16e98cf29b0

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: PLEASE REMEMBER TO HIDE YOUR HAMMERS! Because what’s more terrifying than a small screaming child? A small screaming child with a hammer….that’s what.

 

 

 

 

Snape and the city.

As a teenager I loved Sex and the city, I used to skip school and hang out at my boyfriends house with my bestie, smoking cigarettes and talking about our sudden craving for cocktails. Sorry mum.

But now when I watch it as an adult, I find myself hating on it with a passion, and by it I mean Carrie Bradshaw.

This lady is an annoying idiot. Chases this one dude around for numerous seasons, crying about how he won’t commit (even though he makes it clear a few times as to what he could and could not offer her) or he won’t let her leave a toothbrush blah blah blah. But then when she finally gets him at the end of it all, she STILL bitches and whinges because he wants to stay home and watch TV with her but she wants to go out, so OBVIOUSLY the spark is totally gone…even though a few scenes prior they were having a quickie before her mates wedding….regardless! Divorce is imminent.

So off she goes, on a trip with her annoying friends where she then runs into her ex boyfriend, goes to dinner with him and then they make out a little. Then suddenly she remembers how much she loves her husband AKA, she remembers how much of a fuck around it was just to get him to marry her! Blah blah blah HAPPY EVER AFTER.

Wow….this post quickly lost control, so I apologise. I’m tired and frustrated with a grumpy gremlin, so I’m obviously taking my anger out on Carrie…..who deserves it because she is an idiot.

Anyway, I would have preferred to watch this version of the show.

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“Oh Snape, you’re hilarious”

So romantic….is it though?

I am a pretty mushy person, I enjoy reading chic lit and watching romantic comedies but I really REALLY hate inspirational love quotes that are accompanied by a “romantic” picture.

Here are some pictures and my thoughts…..Begin rant.

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Safe driving?!?!? Phft who gives a fuck, I’m in love!

So if you want to bag a lover, which should be your number one goal in life *insert sarcasm* then the best thing for you to do is change yourself! People aren’t interested in the real you! If you need some help changing, Cosmo is more than happy to remind you of all of your flaws! Once you fix them up you will have more lovers than you can handle!!

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This picture is so romantic…we should use it again!

This is so true, is gets really tiresome being a “real woman” all the time, so it’s definitely a relief for me when a “real man” comes along and does things for me…..they are just so strong and smart and after all, I’m just a weak little woman.

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NOOOOPPPPEEE

Yeah, buy me expensive things and I will let you make ALLLL of the decisions for the rest of our lives, because I’m just a stupid woman and I only like pretty things! TEHEHEHEHHE….Fuck off.

I kind of went a little crazy, but I find these little “quotes?” so fucking ridiculous! What the hell is a real woman?!?! What the hell is a real man??!?!? And why do you have to be in either of these categories to deserve to be treated with respect and love??!? How about EVERYONE JUST TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE FUCKING EQUALS AND WE GET ON WITH OUR FUCKING LIVES!

OK, my rant is over….If you enjoy these types of things that’s totally fine!! Some people do find them romantic and like I always say, it’s all gravy!…..It’s my catchphrase since I have used it two or three times.

I shall leave you with a picture and statement that I DO like.

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Sooooo sexy, those eyebrows are on point!