Drugs….

I hate taking my meds, I really fucking hate it. Everyday I have to force myself to take them because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need them, and sometimes I’ll go rogue and not take them but I generally get caught out by my family or friends and then I’m forced to take them again.

The shit thing about Bipolar is that, while 90% of it sucks, the manic periods can be awesome. I can get so much done! Maybe I’m just miss having energy, my body is so shit right now.

I just have no creativity and I keep gaining weight and it all sucks, and what makes it worse is that the doctors are still playing with my meds…..uuuuuggghhh

I do get curious as to what I would be like if I wasn’t on anything, when I say this to the people in my life they remind me that the last time I decided to go rogue with my meds I ended up in a psych ward……might be nice to have another vacation….Kidding mum!!

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The Gremlin

The Gremlin is now two and his interests include eating, throwing tantrums and wrestling with unsuspecting children that get too close.

I don’t know what personality I expected him to have but I definitely didn’t expect him to be so boisterous and crazy, especially since he is an only child. His current obsession is jumping off things, the higher the better, the amount of times I’ve had to catch him mid fall from the couch is ridiculous. Many of you might be thinking “Well why not just let him fall and then he might stop once he realises that it hurts” yuuuup tried that and it does not faze him, today at playgroup he got pushed off a big mat and landed on his face and he pretty much just got up and continued on with his day, meanwhile I was recovering from the small heart attack I had from seeing the fall.

The Gremlin also enjoys all things hot, especially fire, fire is his favourite. I don’t know what he is going to be once he grows up but I assume it will include eating, fire and wrestling. A fire eating wrestler maybe? Well whatever it is I hope it’s lucrative, I’d like to be put in a fancy nursing home.

Speech wise he can say a few things but the most prominent saying is “Oh shit” which is so great, especially when he is screaming it out at playgroup so all the other judgy mothers can look on in shock. His other favourite words are no, mumma, nanny and MORE lol.

Aside from that there isn’t much to report, he is growing up so fast…..but not fast enough! Come on school days!!!

Anyway, here is a picture of my kid.

 

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Isn’t he beautiful.

Eat all the food!

Tonight while I was eating pizza I realised that at some point in my life I had stopped eating like a human and had started eating more like a wild dog. I had crumbs all over me as well as bits of pineapple (Yup I am one of those pineapple on pizza freaks) and I blame it on the Gremlin.

As a mother it is very rare that you get to eat something without having to share it with your offspring, this is the reason why so many mothers hide away and quickly stuff their faces in various dark places around the home. Obviously my brain seems to think I need to eat like this all of the time, lest a small creature come forth and steal from me.

I have been trying to eat healthier for the last two weeks, and both weeks I have failed miserably. I have put on 30kgs since having the Gremlin and I feel like shit about it, the Husband says he doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure he only likes it because my boobs are massive.

I shouldn’t feel too bad about the weight because I do have some medical factors that make it difficult to lose weight and then there is the medications that make me gain weight. If I could lose even 15kgs I would be happy, but dieting suuuuuuuuuucks.

Just gotta learn to love the salads I guess.

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Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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Winter is coming ladies….

Winter is the best, snuggling up by the fire with a good book and a cup of tea, total bliss. Well it would be total bliss if I actually had a fireplace and time to read a book without getting my tea spilled all over me by a raging toddler.

I think I just love the smell of fires, don’t worry though I don’t like lighting them, although I think Iggy might. Sometimes I will light a candle in order to make my house smell nice for a change, but every time I put it on the bench Iggy will walk past it and attempt to sit by it but he is so fluffy so his tail has caught a light on a number of occasions. Now for safety reasons, my candles have been relocated.

The best part of winter is the fact that us ladies don’t have to shave our legs! Well if you’re anything like me winter has started a LOOOONNNGG time ago. Since The husband is deployed at the moment I have pretty much no reason to shave them.

Having to shave your legs is such a pain in the ass. I wish I was confident enough to just rock the hairy look but I look like I have the legs of the bear when I don’t shave. But sometimes it feels really nice to be all smooth and silky.

Well I’m child free at the moment, so I’m off to eat all of the food I’ve hidden from the Gremlin.

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Rogue Clowns?!

There are a lot of weird things happening around the world, but the most prominent weird thing for me is this fucking clown epidemic.

Now I am not a fan of clowns at any time, but I’m ESPECIALLY not keen on them when they are lurking in the fucking darkness. Fortunately I live in a relatively small place so I’m hoping that this fad doesn’t take off around here.

I’m not even sure what I would do if a creepy clown started hanging out on my street, I would much prefer to have zombies wandering around (classic zombies though, not those crazy fast ones) because they are just programmed to eat brains! I have seen enough movies and read enough books to be able to handle them and if I fail at handling them then I can just hide/outrun them. Psycho people dressed as clowns however, I would probably have a heart attack and die before they even got to me.

I mean, I’m sure that most of the people doing this are just doing it for a laugh, but there would be a small amount of people doing it with malicious intent. All I know is that I sure as shit don’t want any sort of clown running at me when I go out to check my mail.

So until this all blows over I shall be carrying a cricket bat with me at all times.

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Paranoid roof dwellers.

My brain is a fucking dick.

There are many things I hate about bipolar, but one of my biggest hates is the paranoia. When things start going bad, the paranoia is one of the first problems to rock up to the party and it is always the most damaging.

For me the paranoia is the trigger for the crippling anxiety and depression, because it takes all of the people in my life and says “Pssst, you see all these people? Well they hate you and wish you wouldn’t hang around because you’re so lame” or if it is feeling especially fucky it will say “Oh my god….don’t freak out but I’m 99% positive that there is a person living in your roof! seriously! I’m not fucking with you…holy shit there is someone IN YOUR HOUSE, ABORT ABORT”

My anxiety for the second option isn’t as bad as it used to be mainly because I’m so tired from the whole parenting gig that the idea of someone in my house isn’t as scary as the thought of dealing with the Gremlin without any sleep.

I’ll be honest though, I’m fucking angry. I’m angry that I finally think I’m in a good place and then all of this shit rears its ugly head to remind me that I have no control at all. I’m angry that as soon as the Husband isn’t around to help keep me grounded I immediately lose my shit and assume that I am a unlovable piece of shit who has no skills and will never amount to anything, but mostly I’m angry because it’s so painful to feel like this all the time.

Right now I’m finding it a bit hard to find my way out of this rut, half of me is like “You’re a strong independent woman and you should be able to sort your shit out!!” and the other half is like “……Hold me…..anyone?…..stranger in my roof??”

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