As the Gremlin gets older I am learning a lot about myself and my parenting abilities, but I am also discovering all of the things I wish I had of known prior to becoming a mother.
So I’m going to help out all you new mums by telling you the things I wish I had of known.
People will tell you that feeling your baby move is a beautiful moment….It’s not…It’s fucking nightmare fuel.
If you are lucky enough to have your waters break on their own it doesn’t come out all at once, it’s more like you are in a constant state of peeing yourself.
You will bleed a fair bit during the birthing process, you might be thinking “Well of course you would fucking bleed! you’re pushing a small human out of your vagina!” But believe me when you are in that situation anything slightly unexpected is pretty scary, so just know that bleeding is normal.
After giving birth your vagina will be swollen AF, once again this might seem obvious and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I was seriously freaked out when I went to the bathroom for the first time after the Gremlin arrived. Don’t worry, the nurses should give you ice pack things to put in your pants…winning…
There will be times when you look at your kid and think to yourself “You are a tiny monster” this doesn’t make you a bad parent.
Be prepared to break all of those parenting rules you have listed in your head like “I’m not going to let my kids have junk food” or “I’m not going to let my kids drink before 10am*” because once that kid rocks up you are going to do WHATEVER it takes to stop them from making that horrific screeching sound.
No matter how well you baby proof your house, your kid is always going to find that tiny piece of piece of Lego and try to eat it.
If your kid is sitting quietly and playing or watching TV, whatever you do DON’T GAIN EYE CONTACT! As soon as you do the child assumes that you want to fight so they will instantly start crying or whining, it doesn’t matter how lovingly you look at them, they will throw down.
You will become an expert at ignoring your kids, from what I can tell it seems that in times of intense whining the brain will shut down in order to protect the small amount of sanity you have left.It’s like science or something.
Lastly, what works for some doesn’t work for others! You will come across a lot of judgmental parents who will give you unsolicited advice but don’t beat yourself up if your choices don’t align with someone else’s. Babies are strange little creatures so if you find a routine that is safe and works for you guys, fucking go for it man!
So here are 10 things that I wish I had of known before the Gremlin came along, hopefully you found something helpful and if you didn’t…oh well.
*I only give my kid booze when he won’t sleep….just kidding I never give him any, mainly because I have already drunk it all.
People will tell you many different things about pregnancy, some people will tell you that it’s a beautiful experience and all that junk and then you will have a few honest people who will tell you the truth…..It sucks and it gets super weird.
I won’t bore you with the reasons why, just take my word for it….Anyway, for about a month or so I have been able to feel the little gremlin (That’s his nickname and I mean it in the most endearing way possible I swear) kicking and moving about like he is having some kind of disco party. Many people told me that feeling your baby move is such an amazing feeling and sure, there are times when I feel a little bump and it makes me smile….but then the gremlin suddenly took a liking to my ribs, and I started to feel less lovely about the whole affair.
These days you can actually see my stomach jiggle and bounce when he starts to practice his bend it like Beckham moves. The husband and I will sometimes just watch my belly, now I’m not sure how most people react to this kind of stuff but our reaction generally tends to be a mixture of awe and terror.
I suppose it doesn’t help that one of my favourite movies just happens to be Alien and for Christmas the husband got me all four movies, which means that I pretty much expect my pregnancy to end like this….
People assure me that this isn’t the way childbirth occurs….but I have my doubts.
Oh well, if you see this little creature dancing about, there is a good chance that it is my child. Isn’t he beautiful!
Well if he fails to be a natural born killer, he always has his dance skills to fall back on.
Some couples come up with really cute and unique ways to announce that they are going to be parents, but the husband and I didn’t come up with anything.
So hey everyone, I’m pregnant!
I’ll be honest, the baby was a complete surprise. The husband and I were pretty shocked and I don’t think it really sunk in until we saw the little jelly baby in the first scan, needless to say we are both happy and terrified.
Mentally for me there are some risks, because of the Bipolar I had always said that I wanted things to be more planned out so we had some strategies in place to handle any craziness that may occur with me but I suppose life doesn’t work that way. I’m lucky though, I have a large support network and a great doctor who is extremely helpful and kind.
I am terrified about becoming a mother, all I know about babies is that if they start crying you should probably give them back to their mum/dad but now I will be the person that people are giving a child back to……Fuck. I know the things you’re NOT supposed to do so that’s a start, and people tell me you learn as you go….here’s hoping.
My biggest question is, at what age is it appropriate to introduce your child to the star wars films??!?!?! ANYONE?!!?!?
The feline family members sense that there is a change coming and once the baby arrives I’m pretty certain that they will NOT be thrilled with the new house resident, they may surprise me though….some cats love kids…..don’t they? Ah well they will be fine! The baby won’t be able to move itself around for a little while so at least they will have some time to get used to it…..or at least find some good hiding places.
Well I’m going to go and stuff my face full of food because the baby is hungry……yup….the baby is the one that ate that pack of biscuits in one sitting, DEFINITELY wasn’t me.