The Gremlin

The Gremlin is now two and his interests include eating, throwing tantrums and wrestling with unsuspecting children that get too close.

I don’t know what personality I expected him to have but I definitely didn’t expect him to be so boisterous and crazy, especially since he is an only child. His current obsession is jumping off things, the higher the better, the amount of times I’ve had to catch him mid fall from the couch is ridiculous. Many of you might be thinking “Well why not just let him fall and then he might stop once he realises that it hurts” yuuuup tried that and it does not faze him, today at playgroup he got pushed off a big mat and landed on his face and he pretty much just got up and continued on with his day, meanwhile I was recovering from the small heart attack I had from seeing the fall.

The Gremlin also enjoys all things hot, especially fire, fire is his favourite. I don’t know what he is going to be once he grows up but I assume it will include eating, fire and wrestling. A fire eating wrestler maybe? Well whatever it is I hope it’s lucrative, I’d like to be put in a fancy nursing home.

Speech wise he can say a few things but the most prominent saying is “Oh shit” which is so great, especially when he is screaming it out at playgroup so all the other judgy mothers can look on in shock. His other favourite words are no, mumma, nanny and MORE lol.

Aside from that there isn’t much to report, he is growing up so fast…..but not fast enough! Come on school days!!!

Anyway, here is a picture of my kid.

 

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Isn’t he beautiful.

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Eat all the food!

Tonight while I was eating pizza I realised that at some point in my life I had stopped eating like a human and had started eating more like a wild dog. I had crumbs all over me as well as bits of pineapple (Yup I am one of those pineapple on pizza freaks) and I blame it on the Gremlin.

As a mother it is very rare that you get to eat something without having to share it with your offspring, this is the reason why so many mothers hide away and quickly stuff their faces in various dark places around the home. Obviously my brain seems to think I need to eat like this all of the time, lest a small creature come forth and steal from me.

I have been trying to eat healthier for the last two weeks, and both weeks I have failed miserably. I have put on 30kgs since having the Gremlin and I feel like shit about it, the Husband says he doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure he only likes it because my boobs are massive.

I shouldn’t feel too bad about the weight because I do have some medical factors that make it difficult to lose weight and then there is the medications that make me gain weight. If I could lose even 15kgs I would be happy, but dieting suuuuuuuuuucks.

Just gotta learn to love the salads I guess.

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#mumlyfe

My kid is about 17 months old now and he uses a lot of energy and when he has depleted his own levels he will siphon some from me….like a fucking leech. So generally a day in our household consists of him waddling around with various kitchen utensils and once he gets sick of that he just follows me around making that horrible whining sound that destroys a piece of my soul every time I hear it.

So in an attempt to downscale the whining I went to Pinterest to find some snack and activity ideas for youngsters, but all I discovered was that I am a terrible mother.

Pinterest mums are fucking intense, their blogs are beautifully set out but you gotta scroll through a lot of shit to actually get to the recipe or instructions that you had gone there for in the first place. But fucking hell, I went to Pinterest in hopes of making my life easier! not so I would have to spend an hour creating an activity for the Gremlin to use for a minute before he either tries to eat it or throw it.

I am all for any tips that will make my life easier but apparently all of the things that make life easier for parents are also frowned upon.

“Don’t let your kids watch too much television”

“Don’t give your kids junk food”

“Don’t let your kids play with sharp objects”

I’ll be 100% honest, my kid watches a shit tonne of television and he eats a lot of biscuits because those are the only things that will stop that high pitch screeching sound he makes, but I definitely don’t let him play with sharp or dangerous objects…apart from that time when I was brushing my teeth and walked out to find him walking around with a hammer, but that was like one time and I did confiscate it….I swear.

When it comes down to it, kids are great but they will drive you insane and if you are thinking “My kids don’t drive me crazy at all!” you’re a fucking liar because kids are programmed to be annoying. Admitting that your kids drive you bonkers doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you fucking human.

So who cares if your kids sandwiches aren’t shaped like stars and who cares if your TV is on all day and you eat lunch in the lounge room, as long as your kid is happy, healthy, safe and loved that’s all that matters.fowl-language-comics-tired-1e2dda5ad3ed8a162fadd16e98cf29b0

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: PLEASE REMEMBER TO HIDE YOUR HAMMERS! Because what’s more terrifying than a small screaming child? A small screaming child with a hammer….that’s what.

 

 

 

 

The ticking bomb.

Trying to put a baby to bed is like walking through a field full of landmines, one wrong move and you are fucked.

The gremlin starts snoring so I assume that it must be safe for me to put him in his cot, I try to rise gently from the couch but I’m not at all graceful so I just end up clumsily struggling to get up as the couch tries to suck me back down.

I then begin the sloth like walk to the bedroom, stopping every two seconds when the ticking time bomb makes a sudden movement or noise. Opening the door is the tricky part, I try to turn the knob slowly so it is as quiet as possible but the doorknob that normally doesn’t make any noise has decided to make a loud screeching sound, pretty much saying fuck you to my stealth mode.

We reach the cot and I cautiously try to maneuver the gremlin into a position that will make it a bit easier to put him down, he instantly jumps and I freeze….he whimpers but then starts snoring again… I slowly put him down in his cot, I cover him with another blanket and then I back away reeeaalllly slow and close the door.

Once I’m out of the room I breathe a sigh of relief, sweet freedom! I sit down and return to whatever I was doing prior…..but just as I start to relax, the creature from the deep begins to make noises, eventually working himself up to an ear-piercing cry.

Dammit……….

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The screaming gremlin

So hey I had a baby!

The little gremlin is nearly two weeks old now and he is lovely but he has decided to stop sleeping so apologies if this post is a little crazier than usual, I am delirious.

Giving birth sucked, I won’t go into the gory details but let’s just say I won’t be doing that again…ever. People keep telling me I will change my mind but they are hugely mistaken, I am more than happy with one and I don’t think I will be forgetting that pain anytime soon.

Two weeks into this whole parenting gig and I have no idea what I’m fucking doing, but here are some things I have learnt.

1. Google can be your best friend and your worst enemy! Using it for helpful parenting advice is fine but for the love of god if your baby gets sick DO NOT use it to find out what may be ailing them….Google has no heart and will not hesitate in giving you the worst possible diagnosis!

2. Adult conversations change drastically once you have a kid, the husband and I went from talking about video games and what we should do on the weekend to poop explosions and diaper rash.

3. People will give you advice and sometimes it will be great…. and sometimes it will suck. Good news is because of the lack of sleep you will get really good at tuning out.

4. You will probably start to refer to yourself in the third person “Please go to sleep, mummy is starting to lose her freaking mind!!”

5. Babies smell fucking amazing.

Well I’m off to bed, so I can sleep for ten minutes and then be awoken by my tiny screaming demon.

P.S Mothers day is on Sunday, so happy mothers day to all of the mums out there including my own. You’re alright lady, I think I’ll keep you around.

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Such a heartwarming moment.