The Gremlin

The Gremlin is now two and his interests include eating, throwing tantrums and wrestling with unsuspecting children that get too close.

I don’t know what personality I expected him to have but I definitely didn’t expect him to be so boisterous and crazy, especially since he is an only child. His current obsession is jumping off things, the higher the better, the amount of times I’ve had to catch him mid fall from the couch is ridiculous. Many of you might be thinking “Well why not just let him fall and then he might stop once he realises that it hurts” yuuuup tried that and it does not faze him, today at playgroup he got pushed off a big mat and landed on his face and he pretty much just got up and continued on with his day, meanwhile I was recovering from the small heart attack I had from seeing the fall.

The Gremlin also enjoys all things hot, especially fire, fire is his favourite. I don’t know what he is going to be once he grows up but I assume it will include eating, fire and wrestling. A fire eating wrestler maybe? Well whatever it is I hope it’s lucrative, I’d like to be put in a fancy nursing home.

Speech wise he can say a few things but the most prominent saying is “Oh shit” which is so great, especially when he is screaming it out at playgroup so all the other judgy mothers can look on in shock. His other favourite words are no, mumma, nanny and MORE lol.

Aside from that there isn’t much to report, he is growing up so fast…..but not fast enough! Come on school days!!!

Anyway, here is a picture of my kid.

 

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Isn’t he beautiful.

Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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The more you know.

SOMEWHAT GORY CONTENT! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

As the Gremlin gets older I am learning a lot about myself and my parenting abilities, but I am also discovering all of the things I wish I had of known prior to becoming a mother.

So I’m going to help out all you new mums by telling you the things I wish I had of known.

  1. People will tell you that feeling your baby move is a beautiful moment….It’s not…It’s fucking nightmare fuel.
  2. If you are lucky enough to have your waters break on their own it doesn’t come out all at once, it’s more like you are in a constant state of peeing yourself.
  3. You will bleed a fair bit during the birthing process, you might be thinking “Well of course you would fucking bleed! you’re pushing a small human out of your vagina!” But believe me when you are in that situation anything slightly unexpected is pretty scary, so just know that bleeding is normal.
  4. After giving birth your vagina will be swollen AF, once again this might seem obvious and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I was seriously freaked out when I went to the bathroom for the first time after the Gremlin arrived. Don’t worry, the nurses should give you ice pack things to put in your pants…winning…
  5. There will be times when you look at your kid and think to yourself “You are a tiny monster” this doesn’t make you a bad parent.
  6. Be prepared to break all of those parenting rules you have listed in your head like “I’m not going to let my kids have junk food” or “I’m not going to let my kids drink before 10am*” because once that kid rocks up you are going to do WHATEVER it takes to stop them from making that horrific screeching sound.
  7. No matter how well you baby proof your house, your kid is always going to find that tiny piece of piece of Lego and try to eat it.
  8. If your kid is sitting quietly and playing or watching TV, whatever you do DON’T GAIN EYE CONTACT! As soon as you do the child assumes that you want to fight so they will instantly start crying or whining, it doesn’t matter how lovingly you look at them, they will throw down.
  9. You will become an expert at ignoring your kids, from what I can tell it seems that in times of intense whining the brain will shut down in order to protect the small amount of sanity you have left.It’s like science or something.
  10. Lastly, what works for some doesn’t work for others! You will come across a lot of judgmental parents who will give you unsolicited advice but don’t beat yourself up if your choices don’t align with someone else’s. Babies are strange little creatures so if you find a routine that is safe and works for you guys, fucking go for it man!

So here are 10 things that I wish I had of known before the Gremlin came along, hopefully you found something helpful and if you didn’t…oh well.

*I only give my kid booze when he won’t sleep….just kidding I never give him any, mainly because I have already drunk it all.

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#mumlyfe

My kid is about 17 months old now and he uses a lot of energy and when he has depleted his own levels he will siphon some from me….like a fucking leech. So generally a day in our household consists of him waddling around with various kitchen utensils and once he gets sick of that he just follows me around making that horrible whining sound that destroys a piece of my soul every time I hear it.

So in an attempt to downscale the whining I went to Pinterest to find some snack and activity ideas for youngsters, but all I discovered was that I am a terrible mother.

Pinterest mums are fucking intense, their blogs are beautifully set out but you gotta scroll through a lot of shit to actually get to the recipe or instructions that you had gone there for in the first place. But fucking hell, I went to Pinterest in hopes of making my life easier! not so I would have to spend an hour creating an activity for the Gremlin to use for a minute before he either tries to eat it or throw it.

I am all for any tips that will make my life easier but apparently all of the things that make life easier for parents are also frowned upon.

“Don’t let your kids watch too much television”

“Don’t give your kids junk food”

“Don’t let your kids play with sharp objects”

I’ll be 100% honest, my kid watches a shit tonne of television and he eats a lot of biscuits because those are the only things that will stop that high pitch screeching sound he makes, but I definitely don’t let him play with sharp or dangerous objects…apart from that time when I was brushing my teeth and walked out to find him walking around with a hammer, but that was like one time and I did confiscate it….I swear.

When it comes down to it, kids are great but they will drive you insane and if you are thinking “My kids don’t drive me crazy at all!” you’re a fucking liar because kids are programmed to be annoying. Admitting that your kids drive you bonkers doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you fucking human.

So who cares if your kids sandwiches aren’t shaped like stars and who cares if your TV is on all day and you eat lunch in the lounge room, as long as your kid is happy, healthy, safe and loved that’s all that matters.fowl-language-comics-tired-1e2dda5ad3ed8a162fadd16e98cf29b0

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: PLEASE REMEMBER TO HIDE YOUR HAMMERS! Because what’s more terrifying than a small screaming child? A small screaming child with a hammer….that’s what.

 

 

 

 

Parent hacks

The husband is currently away for work so I’m riding solo with the young gremlin, and it got me thinking “How the fuck do single parents do this?!??!” I love my kid but he is driving me insane, he is driving me so crazy that I am tempted to put him in a basket and drop him off at a church or something….do people still do that??

In an attempt to look like I kind of have my shit together, I google things that I can do with the gremlin to stop him from making that horrible whinging sound but it always back fires because Pinterest loves to pop up and remind me just how shit of a parent I am.

So I have compiled some of my own parenting hacks, for those parents who are just trying to make it through the day without slamming their heads into the wall repeatedly.

Hack one: If you’re one of those crazy parents that doesn’t want their kids to watch too much TV, then music is the thing for you! Most kids love music but if they continue to be little assholes, then you just turn the volume up! Hey presto! no more whinging!

Hack two: Does your kid want your attention all the time??! All you have to do is lay on the floor, seriously. Your kid might climb on you and throw toys at you, but if it stops those horrible screeching sounds then who the hell cares!!

Hack three: Kids will steal everything  from you, your energy, your will to live, but most importantly, your food. If you can’t manage to sneak into the kitchen to quickly stuff some chips in your mouth then you can just steal the kids food instead! The gremlin has some great snacks and his chocolate custards are the bomb, so I just bring out more than he will eat and then I finish it off for him, and I don’t even have to feel bad for it because I’m just preventing wastage.

The most important hack is biscuits…..yes biscuits…..they can be healthy biscuits if you like but honestly I don’t even worry about the gremlins sugar intake because he works it all off by throwing tantrums so it’s all good. When your kid starts throwing down, you start throwing biscuits. Easy fix.

There you have it….yup……you’re welcome.

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