Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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So you’re crazy?

One thing I have noticed after my time in the crazy house is that a few people in my life don’t understand what Bipolar is and how shit things can get, but have no fear I am here to help you out!

“You don’t look depressed” Well thank you my friend, I’m glad that I don’t look as shit as I feel. People that suffer from depression are usually pretty good at pretending that they are fine. If we went around showing how awful we felt then we would walk around scaring the general public.

“You don’t have anything to be depressed about” This is one is pretty fucking insensitive, yeah I probably don’t have anything to be depressed about but that doesn’t change the fact that I AM depressed. It’s all chemical my friend, use the ye’old Google machine to educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

“Couldn’t you just try to be happy?” Could you just try not to be an asshole?

“You must get a lot done during a manic episode, your house would be so clean!” Manic episodes are great in theory and sure sometimes I do get a lot done but then when I inevitably crash and burn, there are a million different things that are only half done since I can never actually focus on one task long enough to get it finished.

The main thing that people don’t understand when it comes to manic episodes is that they aren’t always great. Manic episodes for me can get quite painful, I can’t concentrate, I get agitated and my thoughts race so much that it makes me feel sick just trying to keep up. Plus the higher I get in an episode the worse the low will be when I crash.

The best thing you can do for someone that suffers from any mental illness is just be there for them, obviously it’s important that you get them to a professional if things are looking really bad but most of the time it’s just nice to have someone to listen to you ramble about all of the craziness going on inside them. I’m very lucky to have people in my life who are there to pull me out of the darkness when I get in too deep.

Another important thing you can do is to educate yourself, it’s not hard to use Google and there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have loved ones that suffer from various mental illnesses.

So in summary, just listen and don’t be a dick.

 

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One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

I’m back from my holiday in crazy town!

It was pretty much a whole lot of group work on positive thinking and learning skills to handle our craziness a littler better, but telling people to be positive won’t make them think that way….it’s alot easier to be negative.

But in an attempt to be positive about it all I shall list a few good points about my last four weeks in crazy town.

  • I managed to avoid getting lobotomized!
  • I made a couple of crazy friends…although this one has the negative side of me also gaining a stalker who goes by the name of “Sloth girl”. This isn’t her real name obviously, but I’m nearly 100% certain that she is an actual sloth disguised as a human.
  • I got free food
  • I managed to read a fair few books

In the end I don’t think I benefited a huge amount from the group work but that’s mainly because I hate people (especially early in the morning) but it did manage to get me motivated with my doctor and I actually found a really awesome psychiatrist. The downside of this is that I’m currently going through a med change which is the wooooooooooorrrrrrrssssssstttt. But I’m sure it will work out somehow.

As for positive thinking, I’m positive that it if I hear someone tell me to be positive again I’ll punch them in the face.

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5 healthy life hacks.

There is a saying about pregnancy weight gain and it goes a little something like this, “It takes 9 months to put it on and 9 months to take it off”. My rendition may not be entirely accurate but you get what I’m laying down?…..Yes? No?…..Moving on.

Since giving birth to the tiny gremlin I have noticed that my body is pretty wrecked, so I have decided to try to remedy this by making healthier choices and just trying to look after myself better….You know…Showering regularly, brushing my hair (work in progress) and all that kind of junk.

But I, like so many others, don’t know where to begin! So I looked to the being that knows everything (Google) and here are some of the most helpful things the magical search engine gifted to me.

1. First of all, get all of the food that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and throw that shit out! You need to do this to ensure that you start out this health kick niiiicccee and miserable.

2. Now that you have cut out the bad stuff you need to focus on exercising! Ease yourself into it by beginning with a 5km run, stretching is for weaklings so you can go ahead and skip that step. Jogging is also for weaklings so you should definitely start with a nice and easy sprint, for the best results only stop if you need to spew! Don’t worry though, that’s a good sign!! It means your body is having a great time!

3. Eat a shit load of Kale…..I don’t know why….just do it ok.

4. Google says that you should cut down on your alcoholic intake….fuck that! AMIRIGHT!?!?!? Instead of cutting down, just start drinking straight spirits! Not only are there less carbs in it, but you will pass out quicker…..ergo you won’t need to drink as much! BOOOYA, you can take that life hack right to the bank!

5. And lastly, go on Pinterest and pin all of the healthy recipes you intend on cooking! This will help motivate you!! Then you will need to go shopping so you can fill your cupboards with all of the ingredients you need to start your new healthy lifestyle!

Now sit down, relax…and order a pizza, because you have been so healthy today which means you should definitely treat yo’self!

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