Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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STAY CALM!!

Alright everyone, this is going to be hard to hear but please try to remain calm.

*Deep breath*

We are currently in a hazelnut crisis….

Now a lot of you may be thinking “Why is this a problem?”

Well my friends, I’ll tell you…………Nutella contains hazelnuts….

Most people are aware of this fact because it does say it on the label, but there may be people out there that are always too overwhelmed by what Nutella represents for them that they lose the ability to read in it’s presence.

“Whaaaaaat! You mean this is a jar of chocolate spread that I can put on my morning toast without being judged?!?!?”

Now after some mild googling extensive research, I have discovered that the company that makes Nutella has released a statement basically saying “Hey don’t freak out ok! We don’t THINK that this will impact on the availability of this product…so just chill” 

But what about the price of Nutella??!?!? Will I have to win the lotto in order to keep feeding my habit??? or will I have to start stealing jars of the stuff out of the store in my pants?!?!

Who fucking knows!!

In the meantime I have been trying to figure out what kind of chocolate spread I could use instead, sure there are knockoffs but they taste like dirt compared to the real thing….I suppose I could just start melting down bars of chocolate and using that instead. But I don’t think the husband would go for that though…..the sugar crash would be horrendous. 

You know what, I’m not even worried! if all else fails I can just give up Nutella! I’m not even that into it anyway……..so you don’t even need to hide that jar you have there, it’s perfectly safe!!….In fact, I’ll watch it for you!

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You can’t prove anything….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHERE IS THE CAKE!?!?!

It’s winter here in Australia which means that I officially want to eat all of the cheeseburgers and chocolate on earth, but I don’t feel bad about it because…..well….chocolate and cheeseburgers are delicious.

But apparently the internet feels that me looking for chocolate pudding in a mug recipes is not a great idea, so it tries to help me out by offering healthier recipe versions…..Google I know you’re just trying to help out but I have two words for you…..Fuck off.

Seriously Google, I have been wearing the same pair of pajamas for the last three days, I haven’t brushed my hair and I have been eating all of my meals in bed for……We don’t need to talk about that…..Do you really think I care about the amount of calories in my little mug of heaven? If anything I will probably make it even worse by putting cream on it, and by worse I mean even better!

Google also informs me that I am “exercising all wrong” HA jokes on you Google, I haven’t been exercising at all!!! HAHAHAHA…HA HA.. HA..ha….anyway….

Well it’s really late so I should go to bed, it’s far too late for pudding…..so off I go….to bed…..yup….

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