Where’s your head at?

I wake to the sounds of my child crying, my own human alarm clock. I close my eyes and silently beg for just 5 minutes more, as I’m not ready to start another day that will inevitably be just like the last.

While my little ones smiles give me bursts of happiness, his screams however, drive me to madness. I snap at him numerous times throughout the day, please stop making that horrible whinging sound, I’ll give you anything.

People tell me that all mothers have those feelings of uselessness, as if I should find comfort in that fact, but all I feel is hollow. My kid is 2 years old now and I’m still waiting for those maternal instincts to kick in, any day now.

Medication, medication, medication. I’m sure that people can hear me rattling as I walk by. I take them in the hopes that I will feel better for it but instead I feel twisted and lost. I fear that the search for the right medication and the right dose may very well destroy me.

The paranoia is kicking back in but luckily I’m too exhausted to feel terribly put out by the people in my roof and the whispering in my head can’t keep me awake any more than my child can in the middle of the day. Exhaustion runs my life. How is it that I can still feel so alone even though I never am?

I’m floating through my life in a drugged out daze, dreaming of the day when I will be free of this. Until then I continue on, groundhog day.

 

 

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Chocolate and Sadness.

So by now I’m sure you are all aware that Robin Williams has passed away.

I’m not going to say a lot about it because my heart hurts and suicide is a bit of a triggering topic for me but I do feel the need to say this….

Depression is a crippling illness that sucks the life out of you, but please know that there are people out there who can help you through these times and you DON’T have to do it alone. If you don’t have loved ones you can call, then take advantage of the suicide hotlines. The people that work them are amazing and they are there to listen and help you as best as they can, and it’s free!

I’m lucky enough to have people in my life that will always follow me into the darkness and drag me back out…words can’t express how much I love these people and how much I appreciate them carrying me when I get too tired to keep going.

Here is a website that has a bunch of different hotlines from around the world in case you need them. Please take the time to look after yourselves and your loved ones.

knowyourdepression.tumblr.com/hotlines

I’m going to go and try to cheer myself up by watching funny YouTube videos and eating nutella until I barf…and then in my nutella stupor I will probably end up forcefully hugging my cats….because they love that.

easter7

This may or may not be me……