Backstreets back, alright.

I had thought that my first post of 2017 would have been upbeat and fun, but life has a very different idea for this blog.

I’m going to hit you with a trigger warning now because the seas get real dark and stormy from here on out.

Basically I hit a low and things got so bad that I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days.

The husband was away overseas for work and I had been struggling on my own for some time. I had a lot of help and I’m very lucky in that regard, but I kept a lot to myself in an attempt not to be a burden on everyone. I get paranoid about how much stress/pressure I would be putting on them, everyone I am close to has kids and/or full time jobs. They don’t need to be worrying about me and my problems.

The navy worked pretty quickly once they heard about the situation and got The husband home so he can be here for the Gremlin while I figure shit out, if all goes well he will head back out some time in February.

On Monday I will start a 4 week program at a mental health unit, I will have to do group program stuff and a whole bunch of other things. Right now I’m hopeful that it will work, but I’m pretty wrecked right now.

Ain’t life grand.

 

 

 

SURPRISE!!!!!

Some couples come up with really cute and unique ways to announce that they are going to be parents, but the husband and I didn’t come up with anything.

So hey everyone, I’m pregnant!

I’ll be honest, the baby was a complete surprise. The husband and I were pretty shocked and I don’t think it really sunk in until we saw the little jelly baby in the first scan, needless to say we are both happy and terrified.

Mentally for me there are some risks, because of the Bipolar I had always said that I wanted things to be more planned out so we had some strategies in place to handle any craziness that may occur with me but I suppose life doesn’t work that way. I’m lucky though, I have a large support network and a great doctor who is extremely helpful and kind.

I am terrified about becoming a mother, all I know about babies is that if they start crying you should probably give them back to their mum/dad but now I will be the person that people are giving a child back to……Fuck. I know the things you’re NOT supposed to do so that’s a start, and people tell me you learn as you go….here’s hoping.

My biggest question is, at what age is it appropriate to introduce your child to the star wars films??!?!?! ANYONE?!!?!?

The feline family members sense that there is a change coming and once the baby arrives I’m pretty certain that they will NOT be thrilled with the new house resident, they may surprise me though….some cats love kids…..don’t they? Ah well they will be fine! The baby won’t be able to move itself around for a little while so at least they will have some time to get used to it…..or at least find some good hiding places.

Well I’m going to go and stuff my face full of food because the baby is hungry……yup….the baby is the one that ate that pack of biscuits in one sitting, DEFINITELY wasn’t me.

Manic zombies!!!!!

Today I decided to clean the bathroom so I got all of the things I needed and off I went. Once I got to the shower I thought to myself “I should take my pants off so I don’t get bleach all over them”….There I was, sitting in the shower scrubbing away in my undies and  I didn’t think anything of it….

I continued cleaning and then after I had vacuumed, taken the rubbish out, cleaned out both kitty litter trays and hung up some washing, I decided to sweep the floor….as I was sweeping the kitchen floor I realised something……I hadn’t put my pants back on….

This ladies and gentlemen, is a manic episode….

A plus side of these events is that my house becomes immaculate….I do some of my best cleaning when I’m up….there are downsides though…..

1. I become convinced there are people living in my roof…..Like I’m pretty sure there isn’t….maybe….

And 2. My attention span is shot…… I could be best friends with a goldfish,the only problem would be that within a few seconds neither of us would remember what we were actually doing.

Anyway I watched the original “Nightmare on Elm street” and it was amazing!!  It always blows my mind when I compare original horror films with the remakes, it’s crazy to see how much the genre has changed.

My mum used to tell me about the first time she watched the original “evil dead”, she said it scared the pants off her….so we all watched it and I remember laughing my ass off at how ridiculous it all was. The husband and I went and watched the remake at the movies this year, the level of gore was very different….enjoyable….but different…

To be honest, I prefer the special effects from the classics. There’s nothing better than watching, what is obviously red paint, gushing from a person after a zombie has taken a chunk out of them.

…….anyway….this post didn’t turn out exactly the way I had planned……..TADAAAA

Bipolar in retrospect.

Crippling….that’s how bad Bipolar gets, sometimes I think that it has ruined me.

I sometimes say to the husband that I feel like it has taken a part of me but I just don’t know what that part is, and I feel like I have changed but I don’t know how. He asks me what I thought I was like before…..I never have an answer for that one either.

Things haven’t been easy and while this is the longest period of time I have been on one medication for over 6 months, I am still working on it. This is what people don’t get, god….do you know how badly I wish I could turn this off? To not be so emotional? To not have intense reactions to things?…Not even for myself but for everyone else.

The hardest part of this has been the impact it has had on people, on my husband especially, who is one of the most beautiful people I know. The look he gets in his eyes when he finds me in my pajamas and still in bed when he gets home from work at 4.30 in the afternoon, the look he gets when I stop talking, when I become a zombie again. I hate that look. Breaks my freaking heart man, breaks it to pieces.

Manic episodes…….well they aren’t bad…at least I get my shit done. Manic episodes can go either way, on one hand I am so pumped for life, walking every day and getting up early, setting my laptop up to do some writing in my “writing room” of which I never actually do any writing in because I almost always end up going out to clean the house because I can’t fucking sit still. There is the downside.  I….Can’t…..Stop. I rampage through the house checking locks on things a million times because I am convinced somebody is going to break in and kill me. Once we are in bed I am then convinced there is someone in the house, hell when we lived in the old house I was convinced there was someone living in the roof! That also happened in the house I lived in before then. So I wake the husband up at different intervals throughout the night to get him to check it out and bless his cotton socks he gets up every single time and NEVER yells at me about it….probably because he knows that would end sooooo badly but anyway….

Down periods are awful. Don’t want to get up, don’t want to move, don’t want to talk, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I can generally tell when there is a change by these things, when my energy dies. I am able to read myself a bit better now so it’s less of a shock to the system…..it still sucks.

It all sucks. Depression, Anxiety and all of the rest. It’s like living a life where everything is muffled and distorted, everything everyone says or does instantly means something different. Always concentrating SO HARD to try to make sense of things.

I am getting better at asking for help though, sometimes I withdraw and wont admit to feeling horrible but the people who love me the most know these signs better now. Social outings are a struggle but you can’t live your life as a shut in, as much as I would love that. I struggle with been to self-aware and always feeling like I have to explain everything, but I am working on it all. I am lucky to have people in my life that will forgive me for my mistakes and love me regardless.

So I guess that you take the good with the bad, pull your socks up and hope to dear god that you have your seat belt on because the ride will get bumpy and you gotta hold your shit together if you are going to get through it. Am I terrified of the future? Hell yes I am and if you say that you aren’t then I will have to do a whole other post on liars because that’s what you are. The thought of having kids terrifies me, I am enough of a mess so I don’t want to ruin someone else’s life but the husband assures me that I won’t because I’m a good person and because I wont be doing it alone. I have to remember that.                                                                         I am not alone.