So you’re crazy?

One thing I have noticed after my time in the crazy house is that a few people in my life don’t understand what Bipolar is and how shit things can get, but have no fear I am here to help you out!

“You don’t look depressed” Well thank you my friend, I’m glad that I don’t look as shit as I feel. People that suffer from depression are usually pretty good at pretending that they are fine. If we went around showing how awful we felt then we would walk around scaring the general public.

“You don’t have anything to be depressed about” This is one is pretty fucking insensitive, yeah I probably don’t have anything to be depressed about but that doesn’t change the fact that I AM depressed. It’s all chemical my friend, use the ye’old Google machine to educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

“Couldn’t you just try to be happy?” Could you just try not to be an asshole?

“You must get a lot done during a manic episode, your house would be so clean!” Manic episodes are great in theory and sure sometimes I do get a lot done but then when I inevitably crash and burn, there are a million different things that are only half done since I can never actually focus on one task long enough to get it finished.

The main thing that people don’t understand when it comes to manic episodes is that they aren’t always great. Manic episodes for me can get quite painful, I can’t concentrate, I get agitated and my thoughts race so much that it makes me feel sick just trying to keep up. Plus the higher I get in an episode the worse the low will be when I crash.

The best thing you can do for someone that suffers from any mental illness is just be there for them, obviously it’s important that you get them to a professional if things are looking really bad but most of the time it’s just nice to have someone to listen to you ramble about all of the craziness going on inside them. I’m very lucky to have people in my life who are there to pull me out of the darkness when I get in too deep.

Another important thing you can do is to educate yourself, it’s not hard to use Google and there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have loved ones that suffer from various mental illnesses.

So in summary, just listen and don’t be a dick.

 

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The more you know.

SOMEWHAT GORY CONTENT! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

As the Gremlin gets older I am learning a lot about myself and my parenting abilities, but I am also discovering all of the things I wish I had of known prior to becoming a mother.

So I’m going to help out all you new mums by telling you the things I wish I had of known.

  1. People will tell you that feeling your baby move is a beautiful moment….It’s not…It’s fucking nightmare fuel.
  2. If you are lucky enough to have your waters break on their own it doesn’t come out all at once, it’s more like you are in a constant state of peeing yourself.
  3. You will bleed a fair bit during the birthing process, you might be thinking “Well of course you would fucking bleed! you’re pushing a small human out of your vagina!” But believe me when you are in that situation anything slightly unexpected is pretty scary, so just know that bleeding is normal.
  4. After giving birth your vagina will be swollen AF, once again this might seem obvious and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I was seriously freaked out when I went to the bathroom for the first time after the Gremlin arrived. Don’t worry, the nurses should give you ice pack things to put in your pants…winning…
  5. There will be times when you look at your kid and think to yourself “You are a tiny monster” this doesn’t make you a bad parent.
  6. Be prepared to break all of those parenting rules you have listed in your head like “I’m not going to let my kids have junk food” or “I’m not going to let my kids drink before 10am*” because once that kid rocks up you are going to do WHATEVER it takes to stop them from making that horrific screeching sound.
  7. No matter how well you baby proof your house, your kid is always going to find that tiny piece of piece of Lego and try to eat it.
  8. If your kid is sitting quietly and playing or watching TV, whatever you do DON’T GAIN EYE CONTACT! As soon as you do the child assumes that you want to fight so they will instantly start crying or whining, it doesn’t matter how lovingly you look at them, they will throw down.
  9. You will become an expert at ignoring your kids, from what I can tell it seems that in times of intense whining the brain will shut down in order to protect the small amount of sanity you have left.It’s like science or something.
  10. Lastly, what works for some doesn’t work for others! You will come across a lot of judgmental parents who will give you unsolicited advice but don’t beat yourself up if your choices don’t align with someone else’s. Babies are strange little creatures so if you find a routine that is safe and works for you guys, fucking go for it man!

So here are 10 things that I wish I had of known before the Gremlin came along, hopefully you found something helpful and if you didn’t…oh well.

*I only give my kid booze when he won’t sleep….just kidding I never give him any, mainly because I have already drunk it all.

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5 healthy life hacks.

There is a saying about pregnancy weight gain and it goes a little something like this, “It takes 9 months to put it on and 9 months to take it off”. My rendition may not be entirely accurate but you get what I’m laying down?…..Yes? No?…..Moving on.

Since giving birth to the tiny gremlin I have noticed that my body is pretty wrecked, so I have decided to try to remedy this by making healthier choices and just trying to look after myself better….You know…Showering regularly, brushing my hair (work in progress) and all that kind of junk.

But I, like so many others, don’t know where to begin! So I looked to the being that knows everything (Google) and here are some of the most helpful things the magical search engine gifted to me.

1. First of all, get all of the food that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and throw that shit out! You need to do this to ensure that you start out this health kick niiiicccee and miserable.

2. Now that you have cut out the bad stuff you need to focus on exercising! Ease yourself into it by beginning with a 5km run, stretching is for weaklings so you can go ahead and skip that step. Jogging is also for weaklings so you should definitely start with a nice and easy sprint, for the best results only stop if you need to spew! Don’t worry though, that’s a good sign!! It means your body is having a great time!

3. Eat a shit load of Kale…..I don’t know why….just do it ok.

4. Google says that you should cut down on your alcoholic intake….fuck that! AMIRIGHT!?!?!? Instead of cutting down, just start drinking straight spirits! Not only are there less carbs in it, but you will pass out quicker…..ergo you won’t need to drink as much! BOOOYA, you can take that life hack right to the bank!

5. And lastly, go on Pinterest and pin all of the healthy recipes you intend on cooking! This will help motivate you!! Then you will need to go shopping so you can fill your cupboards with all of the ingredients you need to start your new healthy lifestyle!

Now sit down, relax…and order a pizza, because you have been so healthy today which means you should definitely treat yo’self!

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Top 5 horror movie no no’s.

I love horror movies, a fact of which you all should know by now, but I also love making fun of the characters and their obvious stupidity when it comes to their own safety.

So here are my top 5 things you SHOULDN’T do in a horror movie.

#5 “We should go down that road, it looks like a shortcut”

If you are faced with the option of continuing your trip on a road that is smooth and safe looking or taking the dark dirt road of death, you should always go with the smooth road! Sure you aren’t guaranteed safe passage on the safer looking road, but at least that one is on the map! Plus it seems to me that mutant cannibals prefer to lurk in places where they can watch you and figure out what kind of sauce they will use when they eat you for dinner.

#4  “Oh look! a hitchhiker….we should pick him/her up!”

It’s super nice that you want to pick up that stranger and I know that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover……but when you see someone standing on the side of the road in the darkness, wearing a trench coat and a facial expression that can only be described as crazy, you should probably just continue on your way.

#3 “We should probably explore that abandoned house when it’s dark”

I know it’s exciting to explore creepy places at night but I have some advice for you! decrepit abandoned houses look like people have been murdered within them ALL THE TIME! so you can just as easily explore them during the day and still get that creepy high you are obviously searching for without the whole….you know….getting killed thing.

#2 “Let’s go into that dark forest and have sex”

No friends….just no. Killers don’t tend to have the decency to wait for you to have your lovers moment and get dressed before they hack your head off.

#1 “What was that noise? we should investigate…no no we don’t need to turn the lights on!”

This one is a bit of a double-header, but they always seem to go hand in hand. If you hear noises that sound like doors opening and closing or footsteps, the FIRST thing you should do is turn a fucking light on! Odds are the killer already knows you’re there so the element of surprise is already gone. The next thing you should do is grab your phone and take it with you, it might come in handy if there actually IS someone in your house. If you are with a friend you guys should probably stick together, the last thing you want to do is have to search for an intruder AND your friend that went to explore the noise alone and never came back. If things continue to get weird it’s probably best to cut your losses and get the hell out of there or at the very least call the bloody cops!! I would rather they turn up and it be a false alarm instead of them turning up to collect my severed body parts. That’s if the mutant cannibals haven’t eaten them already!

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Even crazies need their downtime.