One flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

I’m back from my holiday in crazy town!

It was pretty much a whole lot of group work on positive thinking and learning skills to handle our craziness a littler better, but telling people to be positive won’t make them think that way….it’s alot easier to be negative.

But in an attempt to be positive about it all I shall list a few good points about my last four weeks in crazy town.

  • I managed to avoid getting lobotomized!
  • I made a couple of crazy friends…although this one has the negative side of me also gaining a stalker who goes by the name of “Sloth girl”. This isn’t her real name obviously, but I’m nearly 100% certain that she is an actual sloth disguised as a human.
  • I got free food
  • I managed to read a fair few books

In the end I don’t think I benefited a huge amount from the group work but that’s mainly because I hate people (especially early in the morning) but it did manage to get me motivated with my doctor and I actually found a really awesome psychiatrist. The downside of this is that I’m currently going through a med change which is the wooooooooooorrrrrrrssssssstttt. But I’m sure it will work out somehow.

As for positive thinking, I’m positive that it if I hear someone tell me to be positive again I’ll punch them in the face.

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Backstreets back, alright.

I had thought that my first post of 2017 would have been upbeat and fun, but life has a very different idea for this blog.

I’m going to hit you with a trigger warning now because the seas get real dark and stormy from here on out.

Basically I hit a low and things got so bad that I ended up in a psych ward for 3 days.

The husband was away overseas for work and I had been struggling on my own for some time. I had a lot of help and I’m very lucky in that regard, but I kept a lot to myself in an attempt not to be a burden on everyone. I get paranoid about how much stress/pressure I would be putting on them, everyone I am close to has kids and/or full time jobs. They don’t need to be worrying about me and my problems.

The navy worked pretty quickly once they heard about the situation and got The husband home so he can be here for the Gremlin while I figure shit out, if all goes well he will head back out some time in February.

On Monday I will start a 4 week program at a mental health unit, I will have to do group program stuff and a whole bunch of other things. Right now I’m hopeful that it will work, but I’m pretty wrecked right now.

Ain’t life grand.

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The more you know.

SOMEWHAT GORY CONTENT! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

As the Gremlin gets older I am learning a lot about myself and my parenting abilities, but I am also discovering all of the things I wish I had of known prior to becoming a mother.

So I’m going to help out all you new mums by telling you the things I wish I had of known.

  1. People will tell you that feeling your baby move is a beautiful moment….It’s not…It’s fucking nightmare fuel.
  2. If you are lucky enough to have your waters break on their own it doesn’t come out all at once, it’s more like you are in a constant state of peeing yourself.
  3. You will bleed a fair bit during the birthing process, you might be thinking “Well of course you would fucking bleed! you’re pushing a small human out of your vagina!” But believe me when you are in that situation anything slightly unexpected is pretty scary, so just know that bleeding is normal.
  4. After giving birth your vagina will be swollen AF, once again this might seem obvious and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I was seriously freaked out when I went to the bathroom for the first time after the Gremlin arrived. Don’t worry, the nurses should give you ice pack things to put in your pants…winning…
  5. There will be times when you look at your kid and think to yourself “You are a tiny monster” this doesn’t make you a bad parent.
  6. Be prepared to break all of those parenting rules you have listed in your head like “I’m not going to let my kids have junk food” or “I’m not going to let my kids drink before 10am*” because once that kid rocks up you are going to do WHATEVER it takes to stop them from making that horrific screeching sound.
  7. No matter how well you baby proof your house, your kid is always going to find that tiny piece of piece of Lego and try to eat it.
  8. If your kid is sitting quietly and playing or watching TV, whatever you do DON’T GAIN EYE CONTACT! As soon as you do the child assumes that you want to fight so they will instantly start crying or whining, it doesn’t matter how lovingly you look at them, they will throw down.
  9. You will become an expert at ignoring your kids, from what I can tell it seems that in times of intense whining the brain will shut down in order to protect the small amount of sanity you have left.It’s like science or something.
  10. Lastly, what works for some doesn’t work for others! You will come across a lot of judgmental parents who will give you unsolicited advice but don’t beat yourself up if your choices don’t align with someone else’s. Babies are strange little creatures so if you find a routine that is safe and works for you guys, fucking go for it man!

So here are 10 things that I wish I had of known before the Gremlin came along, hopefully you found something helpful and if you didn’t…oh well.

*I only give my kid booze when he won’t sleep….just kidding I never give him any, mainly because I have already drunk it all.

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Rogue Clowns?!

There are a lot of weird things happening around the world, but the most prominent weird thing for me is this fucking clown epidemic.

Now I am not a fan of clowns at any time, but I’m ESPECIALLY not keen on them when they are lurking in the fucking darkness. Fortunately I live in a relatively small place so I’m hoping that this fad doesn’t take off around here.

I’m not even sure what I would do if a creepy clown started hanging out on my street, I would much prefer to have zombies wandering around (classic zombies though, not those crazy fast ones) because they are just programmed to eat brains! I have seen enough movies and read enough books to be able to handle them and if I fail at handling them then I can just hide/outrun them. Psycho people dressed as clowns however, I would probably have a heart attack and die before they even got to me.

I mean, I’m sure that most of the people doing this are just doing it for a laugh, but there would be a small amount of people doing it with malicious intent. All I know is that I sure as shit don’t want any sort of clown running at me when I go out to check my mail.

So until this all blows over I shall be carrying a cricket bat with me at all times.

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Paranoid roof dwellers.

My brain is a fucking dick.

There are many things I hate about bipolar, but one of my biggest hates is the paranoia. When things start going bad, the paranoia is one of the first problems to rock up to the party and it is always the most damaging.

For me the paranoia is the trigger for the crippling anxiety and depression, because it takes all of the people in my life and says “Pssst, you see all these people? Well they hate you and wish you wouldn’t hang around because you’re so lame” or if it is feeling especially fucky it will say “Oh my god….don’t freak out but I’m 99% positive that there is a person living in your roof! seriously! I’m not fucking with you…holy shit there is someone IN YOUR HOUSE, ABORT ABORT”

My anxiety for the second option isn’t as bad as it used to be mainly because I’m so tired from the whole parenting gig that the idea of someone in my house isn’t as scary as the thought of dealing with the Gremlin without any sleep.

I’ll be honest though, I’m fucking angry. I’m angry that I finally think I’m in a good place and then all of this shit rears its ugly head to remind me that I have no control at all. I’m angry that as soon as the Husband isn’t around to help keep me grounded I immediately lose my shit and assume that I am a unlovable piece of shit who has no skills and will never amount to anything, but mostly I’m angry because it’s so painful to feel like this all the time.

Right now I’m finding it a bit hard to find my way out of this rut, half of me is like “You’re a strong independent woman and you should be able to sort your shit out!!” and the other half is like “……Hold me…..anyone?…..stranger in my roof??”

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#mumlyfe

My kid is about 17 months old now and he uses a lot of energy and when he has depleted his own levels he will siphon some from me….like a fucking leech. So generally a day in our household consists of him waddling around with various kitchen utensils and once he gets sick of that he just follows me around making that horrible whining sound that destroys a piece of my soul every time I hear it.

So in an attempt to downscale the whining I went to Pinterest to find some snack and activity ideas for youngsters, but all I discovered was that I am a terrible mother.

Pinterest mums are fucking intense, their blogs are beautifully set out but you gotta scroll through a lot of shit to actually get to the recipe or instructions that you had gone there for in the first place. But fucking hell, I went to Pinterest in hopes of making my life easier! not so I would have to spend an hour creating an activity for the Gremlin to use for a minute before he either tries to eat it or throw it.

I am all for any tips that will make my life easier but apparently all of the things that make life easier for parents are also frowned upon.

“Don’t let your kids watch too much television”

“Don’t give your kids junk food”

“Don’t let your kids play with sharp objects”

I’ll be 100% honest, my kid watches a shit tonne of television and he eats a lot of biscuits because those are the only things that will stop that high pitch screeching sound he makes, but I definitely don’t let him play with sharp or dangerous objects…apart from that time when I was brushing my teeth and walked out to find him walking around with a hammer, but that was like one time and I did confiscate it….I swear.

When it comes down to it, kids are great but they will drive you insane and if you are thinking “My kids don’t drive me crazy at all!” you’re a fucking liar because kids are programmed to be annoying. Admitting that your kids drive you bonkers doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you fucking human.

So who cares if your kids sandwiches aren’t shaped like stars and who cares if your TV is on all day and you eat lunch in the lounge room, as long as your kid is happy, healthy, safe and loved that’s all that matters.fowl-language-comics-tired-1e2dda5ad3ed8a162fadd16e98cf29b0

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: PLEASE REMEMBER TO HIDE YOUR HAMMERS! Because what’s more terrifying than a small screaming child? A small screaming child with a hammer….that’s what.

 

 

 

 

Parent hacks

The husband is currently away for work so I’m riding solo with the young gremlin, and it got me thinking “How the fuck do single parents do this?!??!” I love my kid but he is driving me insane, he is driving me so crazy that I am tempted to put him in a basket and drop him off at a church or something….do people still do that??

In an attempt to look like I kind of have my shit together, I google things that I can do with the gremlin to stop him from making that horrible whinging sound but it always back fires because Pinterest loves to pop up and remind me just how shit of a parent I am.

So I have compiled some of my own parenting hacks, for those parents who are just trying to make it through the day without slamming their heads into the wall repeatedly.

Hack one: If you’re one of those crazy parents that doesn’t want their kids to watch too much TV, then music is the thing for you! Most kids love music but if they continue to be little assholes, then you just turn the volume up! Hey presto! no more whinging!

Hack two: Does your kid want your attention all the time??! All you have to do is lay on the floor, seriously. Your kid might climb on you and throw toys at you, but if it stops those horrible screeching sounds then who the hell cares!!

Hack three: Kids will steal everything  from you, your energy, your will to live, but most importantly, your food. If you can’t manage to sneak into the kitchen to quickly stuff some chips in your mouth then you can just steal the kids food instead! The gremlin has some great snacks and his chocolate custards are the bomb, so I just bring out more than he will eat and then I finish it off for him, and I don’t even have to feel bad for it because I’m just preventing wastage.

The most important hack is biscuits…..yes biscuits…..they can be healthy biscuits if you like but honestly I don’t even worry about the gremlins sugar intake because he works it all off by throwing tantrums so it’s all good. When your kid starts throwing down, you start throwing biscuits. Easy fix.

There you have it….yup……you’re welcome.

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