Eat all the food!

Tonight while I was eating pizza I realised that at some point in my life I had stopped eating like a human and had started eating more like a wild dog. I had crumbs all over me as well as bits of pineapple (Yup I am one of those pineapple on pizza freaks) and I blame it on the Gremlin.

As a mother it is very rare that you get to eat something without having to share it with your offspring, this is the reason why so many mothers hide away and quickly stuff their faces in various dark places around the home. Obviously my brain seems to think I need to eat like this all of the time, lest a small creature come forth and steal from me.

I have been trying to eat healthier for the last two weeks, and both weeks I have failed miserably. I have put on 30kgs since having the Gremlin and I feel like shit about it, the Husband says he doesn’t care but I’m pretty sure he only likes it because my boobs are massive.

I shouldn’t feel too bad about the weight because I do have some medical factors that make it difficult to lose weight and then there is the medications that make me gain weight. If I could lose even 15kgs I would be happy, but dieting suuuuuuuuuucks.

Just gotta learn to love the salads I guess.

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Mothers of the internet.

I watch an almost unhealthy amount of YouTube and my watching varies from random book hauls to an hour marathon of The Wiggles, but one part of YouTube that I find fascinating are the mummy vloggers and their “Day in the life” videos.

So I thought I would blog what a day in my life is like and then compare it to the mystical unicorn mummy vloggers. Here we go.

Unlike other people who need to set alarms I am lucky enough to live with a small demon who wakes me each morning with screeching sounds that are so high-pitched  they wake every dog within a 5km radius.

I groggily set tiny Satan free and then go and prepare his breakfast, recently peanut butter toast has become a favourite so we will go with that until his tantrums tell me otherwise. Once he has his plate we go into the lounge room and watch music videos for about 3 hours. During this time I change his butt and put him in some clean clothes that he will destroy in 10 seconds flat, I also get dragged to the kitchen at least twice so he can put and grunt until something I offer takes his fancy and then we trudge back to the lounge room.

Around 11am he goes down for a nap, if it’s a good day he will be down for around 2 hours but if it’s a shit day I’m lucky to have him sleep for 40 minutes. During this time I collapse onto the sofa and watch a bunch of random YouTube videos, I’m currently going through a big med change and I’m also having other problems with my body so I have very little energy.

Once tiny Satan wakes up he has his lunch which usually consists of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some grapes and a biscuit or rice crackers. Then we watch more YouTube, or we might watch some Disney movies on Netflix. Sometimes I go and clean the kitchen while the tiny Gremlin rampages around grabbing every sharp object he can find, and seriously, it’s almost terrifying how easily that kid finds knives and scissors. Now that he can climb the world is his sharp oyster.

We have dinner around 4.30 because by that time I’m losing my mind and he is eating paper. We had spaghetti tonight which he promptly tipped onto the floor, such a darling.

After dinner he has a shower and I fight him into some pjs, we then race to his bedroom and then I have to pick him up so he can spin his fan because he is obsessed with fans, even though 9 times out of 10 he spins the fan right into his face, not too bright just yet. Then I put him in his cot, pat his face and then sprint to freedom.

Usually I’ll go back to the TV and eat the snacks I have hidden in the couch, some nights I’m fancy and I’ll have a shower and change into some clean pjs but more often than not I skip that step. Then I crawl into bed and waste some time on Tumblr and then my drugs knock me out.

Reading back through this, I sound like a terrible mother but what with The Husband away until July and my mental/physical health pretty shit, I don’t have the energy to do arts and crafts or run around. I do try to play cars or roll the ball with the tiny Gremlin but most of the time he likes to roam around on his own, because I suppose it’s easier for him to find contraband items without me hanging around.

Some day soon I hope I can be like those other mothers on crack and do a whole bunch of shit with him, but for now I’m doing what I can and since he’s still alive I reckon that’s OK.

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Winter is coming ladies….

Winter is the best, snuggling up by the fire with a good book and a cup of tea, total bliss. Well it would be total bliss if I actually had a fireplace and time to read a book without getting my tea spilled all over me by a raging toddler.

I think I just love the smell of fires, don’t worry though I don’t like lighting them, although I think Iggy might. Sometimes I will light a candle in order to make my house smell nice for a change, but every time I put it on the bench Iggy will walk past it and attempt to sit by it but he is so fluffy so his tail has caught a light on a number of occasions. Now for safety reasons, my candles have been relocated.

The best part of winter is the fact that us ladies don’t have to shave our legs! Well if you’re anything like me winter has started a LOOOONNNGG time ago. Since The husband is deployed at the moment I have pretty much no reason to shave them.

Having to shave your legs is such a pain in the ass. I wish I was confident enough to just rock the hairy look but I look like I have the legs of the bear when I don’t shave. But sometimes it feels really nice to be all smooth and silky.

Well I’m child free at the moment, so I’m off to eat all of the food I’ve hidden from the Gremlin.

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So you’re crazy?

One thing I have noticed after my time in the crazy house is that a few people in my life don’t understand what Bipolar is and how shit things can get, but have no fear I am here to help you out!

“You don’t look depressed” Well thank you my friend, I’m glad that I don’t look as shit as I feel. People that suffer from depression are usually pretty good at pretending that they are fine. If we went around showing how awful we felt then we would walk around scaring the general public.

“You don’t have anything to be depressed about” This is one is pretty fucking insensitive, yeah I probably don’t have anything to be depressed about but that doesn’t change the fact that I AM depressed. It’s all chemical my friend, use the ye’old Google machine to educate yourself before you wreck yourself.

“Couldn’t you just try to be happy?” Could you just try not to be an asshole?

“You must get a lot done during a manic episode, your house would be so clean!” Manic episodes are great in theory and sure sometimes I do get a lot done but then when I inevitably crash and burn, there are a million different things that are only half done since I can never actually focus on one task long enough to get it finished.

The main thing that people don’t understand when it comes to manic episodes is that they aren’t always great. Manic episodes for me can get quite painful, I can’t concentrate, I get agitated and my thoughts race so much that it makes me feel sick just trying to keep up. Plus the higher I get in an episode the worse the low will be when I crash.

The best thing you can do for someone that suffers from any mental illness is just be there for them, obviously it’s important that you get them to a professional if things are looking really bad but most of the time it’s just nice to have someone to listen to you ramble about all of the craziness going on inside them. I’m very lucky to have people in my life who are there to pull me out of the darkness when I get in too deep.

Another important thing you can do is to educate yourself, it’s not hard to use Google and there are a lot of support groups out there for people who have loved ones that suffer from various mental illnesses.

So in summary, just listen and don’t be a dick.

 

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Rogue Clowns?!

There are a lot of weird things happening around the world, but the most prominent weird thing for me is this fucking clown epidemic.

Now I am not a fan of clowns at any time, but I’m ESPECIALLY not keen on them when they are lurking in the fucking darkness. Fortunately I live in a relatively small place so I’m hoping that this fad doesn’t take off around here.

I’m not even sure what I would do if a creepy clown started hanging out on my street, I would much prefer to have zombies wandering around (classic zombies though, not those crazy fast ones) because they are just programmed to eat brains! I have seen enough movies and read enough books to be able to handle them and if I fail at handling them then I can just hide/outrun them. Psycho people dressed as clowns however, I would probably have a heart attack and die before they even got to me.

I mean, I’m sure that most of the people doing this are just doing it for a laugh, but there would be a small amount of people doing it with malicious intent. All I know is that I sure as shit don’t want any sort of clown running at me when I go out to check my mail.

So until this all blows over I shall be carrying a cricket bat with me at all times.

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#mumlyfe

My kid is about 17 months old now and he uses a lot of energy and when he has depleted his own levels he will siphon some from me….like a fucking leech. So generally a day in our household consists of him waddling around with various kitchen utensils and once he gets sick of that he just follows me around making that horrible whining sound that destroys a piece of my soul every time I hear it.

So in an attempt to downscale the whining I went to Pinterest to find some snack and activity ideas for youngsters, but all I discovered was that I am a terrible mother.

Pinterest mums are fucking intense, their blogs are beautifully set out but you gotta scroll through a lot of shit to actually get to the recipe or instructions that you had gone there for in the first place. But fucking hell, I went to Pinterest in hopes of making my life easier! not so I would have to spend an hour creating an activity for the Gremlin to use for a minute before he either tries to eat it or throw it.

I am all for any tips that will make my life easier but apparently all of the things that make life easier for parents are also frowned upon.

“Don’t let your kids watch too much television”

“Don’t give your kids junk food”

“Don’t let your kids play with sharp objects”

I’ll be 100% honest, my kid watches a shit tonne of television and he eats a lot of biscuits because those are the only things that will stop that high pitch screeching sound he makes, but I definitely don’t let him play with sharp or dangerous objects…apart from that time when I was brushing my teeth and walked out to find him walking around with a hammer, but that was like one time and I did confiscate it….I swear.

When it comes down to it, kids are great but they will drive you insane and if you are thinking “My kids don’t drive me crazy at all!” you’re a fucking liar because kids are programmed to be annoying. Admitting that your kids drive you bonkers doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you fucking human.

So who cares if your kids sandwiches aren’t shaped like stars and who cares if your TV is on all day and you eat lunch in the lounge room, as long as your kid is happy, healthy, safe and loved that’s all that matters.fowl-language-comics-tired-1e2dda5ad3ed8a162fadd16e98cf29b0

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: PLEASE REMEMBER TO HIDE YOUR HAMMERS! Because what’s more terrifying than a small screaming child? A small screaming child with a hammer….that’s what.

 

 

 

 

Parent hacks

The husband is currently away for work so I’m riding solo with the young gremlin, and it got me thinking “How the fuck do single parents do this?!??!” I love my kid but he is driving me insane, he is driving me so crazy that I am tempted to put him in a basket and drop him off at a church or something….do people still do that??

In an attempt to look like I kind of have my shit together, I google things that I can do with the gremlin to stop him from making that horrible whinging sound but it always back fires because Pinterest loves to pop up and remind me just how shit of a parent I am.

So I have compiled some of my own parenting hacks, for those parents who are just trying to make it through the day without slamming their heads into the wall repeatedly.

Hack one: If you’re one of those crazy parents that doesn’t want their kids to watch too much TV, then music is the thing for you! Most kids love music but if they continue to be little assholes, then you just turn the volume up! Hey presto! no more whinging!

Hack two: Does your kid want your attention all the time??! All you have to do is lay on the floor, seriously. Your kid might climb on you and throw toys at you, but if it stops those horrible screeching sounds then who the hell cares!!

Hack three: Kids will steal everything  from you, your energy, your will to live, but most importantly, your food. If you can’t manage to sneak into the kitchen to quickly stuff some chips in your mouth then you can just steal the kids food instead! The gremlin has some great snacks and his chocolate custards are the bomb, so I just bring out more than he will eat and then I finish it off for him, and I don’t even have to feel bad for it because I’m just preventing wastage.

The most important hack is biscuits…..yes biscuits…..they can be healthy biscuits if you like but honestly I don’t even worry about the gremlins sugar intake because he works it all off by throwing tantrums so it’s all good. When your kid starts throwing down, you start throwing biscuits. Easy fix.

There you have it….yup……you’re welcome.

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