SOMEWHAT GORY CONTENT! CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!
As the Gremlin gets older I am learning a lot about myself and my parenting abilities, but I am also discovering all of the things I wish I had of known prior to becoming a mother.
So I’m going to help out all you new mums by telling you the things I wish I had of known.
- People will tell you that feeling your baby move is a beautiful moment….It’s not…It’s fucking nightmare fuel.
- If you are lucky enough to have your waters break on their own it doesn’t come out all at once, it’s more like you are in a constant state of peeing yourself.
- You will bleed a fair bit during the birthing process, you might be thinking “Well of course you would fucking bleed! you’re pushing a small human out of your vagina!” But believe me when you are in that situation anything slightly unexpected is pretty scary, so just know that bleeding is normal.
- After giving birth your vagina will be swollen AF, once again this might seem obvious and I don’t know if it’s the same for everyone but I was seriously freaked out when I went to the bathroom for the first time after the Gremlin arrived. Don’t worry, the nurses should give you ice pack things to put in your pants…winning…
- There will be times when you look at your kid and think to yourself “You are a tiny monster” this doesn’t make you a bad parent.
- Be prepared to break all of those parenting rules you have listed in your head like “I’m not going to let my kids have junk food” or “I’m not going to let my kids drink before 10am*” because once that kid rocks up you are going to do WHATEVER it takes to stop them from making that horrific screeching sound.
- No matter how well you baby proof your house, your kid is always going to find that tiny piece of piece of Lego and try to eat it.
- If your kid is sitting quietly and playing or watching TV, whatever you do DON’T GAIN EYE CONTACT! As soon as you do the child assumes that you want to fight so they will instantly start crying or whining, it doesn’t matter how lovingly you look at them, they will throw down.
- You will become an expert at ignoring your kids, from what I can tell it seems that in times of intense whining the brain will shut down in order to protect the small amount of sanity you have left.It’s like science or something.
- Lastly, what works for some doesn’t work for others! You will come across a lot of judgmental parents who will give you unsolicited advice but don’t beat yourself up if your choices don’t align with someone else’s. Babies are strange little creatures so if you find a routine that is safe and works for you guys, fucking go for it man!
So here are 10 things that I wish I had of known before the Gremlin came along, hopefully you found something helpful and if you didn’t…oh well.
*I only give my kid booze when he won’t sleep….just kidding I never give him any, mainly because I have already drunk it all.