There is a saying about pregnancy weight gain and it goes a little something like this, “It takes 9 months to put it on and 9 months to take it off”. My rendition may not be entirely accurate but you get what I’m laying down?…..Yes? No?…..Moving on.
Since giving birth to the tiny gremlin I have noticed that my body is pretty wrecked, so I have decided to try to remedy this by making healthier choices and just trying to look after myself better….You know…Showering regularly, brushing my hair (work in progress) and all that kind of junk.
But I, like so many others, don’t know where to begin! So I looked to the being that knows everything (Google) and here are some of the most helpful things the magical search engine gifted to me.
1. First of all, get all of the food that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and throw that shit out! You need to do this to ensure that you start out this health kick niiiicccee and miserable.
2. Now that you have cut out the bad stuff you need to focus on exercising! Ease yourself into it by beginning with a 5km run, stretching is for weaklings so you can go ahead and skip that step. Jogging is also for weaklings so you should definitely start with a nice and easy sprint, for the best results only stop if you need to spew! Don’t worry though, that’s a good sign!! It means your body is having a great time!
3. Eat a shit load of Kale…..I don’t know why….just do it ok.
4. Google says that you should cut down on your alcoholic intake….fuck that! AMIRIGHT!?!?!? Instead of cutting down, just start drinking straight spirits! Not only are there less carbs in it, but you will pass out quicker…..ergo you won’t need to drink as much! BOOOYA, you can take that life hack right to the bank!
5. And lastly, go on Pinterest and pin all of the healthy recipes you intend on cooking! This will help motivate you!! Then you will need to go shopping so you can fill your cupboards with all of the ingredients you need to start your new healthy lifestyle!
Now sit down, relax…and order a pizza, because you have been so healthy today which means you should definitely treat yo’self!