I love horror movies, a fact of which you all should know by now, but I also love making fun of the characters and their obvious stupidity when it comes to their own safety.
So here are my top 5 things you SHOULDN’T do in a horror movie.
#5 “We should go down that road, it looks like a shortcut”
If you are faced with the option of continuing your trip on a road that is smooth and safe looking or taking the dark dirt road of death, you should always go with the smooth road! Sure you aren’t guaranteed safe passage on the safer looking road, but at least that one is on the map! Plus it seems to me that mutant cannibals prefer to lurk in places where they can watch you and figure out what kind of sauce they will use when they eat you for dinner.
#4 “Oh look! a hitchhiker….we should pick him/her up!”
It’s super nice that you want to pick up that stranger and I know that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover……but when you see someone standing on the side of the road in the darkness, wearing a trench coat and a facial expression that can only be described as crazy, you should probably just continue on your way.
#3 “We should probably explore that abandoned house when it’s dark”
I know it’s exciting to explore creepy places at night but I have some advice for you! decrepit abandoned houses look like people have been murdered within them ALL THE TIME! so you can just as easily explore them during the day and still get that creepy high you are obviously searching for without the whole….you know….getting killed thing.
#2 “Let’s go into that dark forest and have sex”
No friends….just no. Killers don’t tend to have the decency to wait for you to have your lovers moment and get dressed before they hack your head off.
#1 “What was that noise? we should investigate…no no we don’t need to turn the lights on!”
This one is a bit of a double-header, but they always seem to go hand in hand. If you hear noises that sound like doors opening and closing or footsteps, the FIRST thing you should do is turn a fucking light on! Odds are the killer already knows you’re there so the element of surprise is already gone. The next thing you should do is grab your phone and take it with you, it might come in handy if there actually IS someone in your house. If you are with a friend you guys should probably stick together, the last thing you want to do is have to search for an intruder AND your friend that went to explore the noise alone and never came back. If things continue to get weird it’s probably best to cut your losses and get the hell out of there or at the very least call the bloody cops!! I would rather they turn up and it be a false alarm instead of them turning up to collect my severed body parts. That’s if the mutant cannibals haven’t eaten them already!