There was a post I write a while back where I spoke about my late night paranoia and I would wake the husband up whenever I heard noises so he could check it out. Well recently I decided that I had to start behaving like an adult, so late night when I thought I heard something that sounded like a window opening I decided that a lecture was needed, so as to avoid the impending heart attack.
“You’re a 25-year-old woman, you need to drink a cup of cement and harden the fuck up. There are a lot of things that could explain that noise, the cats for example! You remember that cardboard box you put in the lounge room? Well Midnight likes to sit on the edge of it and act like he is some kind of superhero looking over his city, but since he is clumsy he always falls into it, so that noise could merely be him trying to escape the dark box of death. Or it could just be the next door neighbours and their late night shenanigans, you know there is some kind of breaking bad shit going on over there. If you are really that scared you could get up and have a look for yourself, but seriously what the fuck would you do if there actually was some dude standing in your lounge room? You don’t have any weapons on you, although you do have those scissors in your bedside draw, but come on! The husband puts up with A LOT of crazy shit from you but I think him waking up to see you creeping around the bedroom with scissors in your hand might be the straw that broke the camel’s back if you know what I mean…wait is that right?….Yeah it is, good on you for nailing that proverb!
ANYWAY…you have seen enough horror movies to know that you should not, under ANY circumstance, go looking for what causes unexplained noises. But now that you have reminded yourself of this fact it seems pretty fucked up that you were willing to send the husband out there to check….it’s ok though….he would probably be able to think better in that type of situation…or at least run faster…..I hope…..WAIT…there is a scratching noise at the bedroom door….oh god remember to breath REMEMBER TO BREATH….This is it, this is how you are going to die…..oh wait…it’s just the cats…you’re an idiot”
These types of conversations happen way too frequently to be considered normal, it’s no wonder I have trouble focusing on tasks when I waste so much time having internal arguments with myself.
Next time I get scared I will just look at pictures like this, scary dudes don’t look so scary when they are cartoons!