Bipolar in retrospect.

Crippling….that’s how bad Bipolar gets, sometimes I think that it has ruined me.

I sometimes say to the husband that I feel like it has taken a part of me but I just don’t know what that part is, and I feel like I have changed but I don’t know how. He asks me what I thought I was like before…..I never have an answer for that one either.

Things haven’t been easy and while this is the longest period of time I have been on one medication for over 6 months, I am still working on it. This is what people don’t get, god….do you know how badly I wish I could turn this off? To not be so emotional? To not have intense reactions to things?…Not even for myself but for everyone else.

The hardest part of this has been the impact it has had on people, on my husband especially, who is one of the most beautiful people I know. The look he gets in his eyes when he finds me in my pajamas and still in bed when he gets home from work at 4.30 in the afternoon, the look he gets when I stop talking, when I become a zombie again. I hate that look. Breaks my freaking heart man, breaks it to pieces.

Manic episodes…….well they aren’t bad…at least I get my shit done. Manic episodes can go either way, on one hand I am so pumped for life, walking every day and getting up early, setting my laptop up to do some writing in my “writing room” of which I never actually do any writing in because I almost always end up going out to clean the house because I can’t fucking sit still. There is the downside.  I….Can’t…..Stop. I rampage through the house checking locks on things a million times because I am convinced somebody is going to break in and kill me. Once we are in bed I am then convinced there is someone in the house, hell when we lived in the old house I was convinced there was someone living in the roof! That also happened in the house I lived in before then. So I wake the husband up at different intervals throughout the night to get him to check it out and bless his cotton socks he gets up every single time and NEVER yells at me about it….probably because he knows that would end sooooo badly but anyway….

Down periods are awful. Don’t want to get up, don’t want to move, don’t want to talk, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I can generally tell when there is a change by these things, when my energy dies. I am able to read myself a bit better now so it’s less of a shock to the system… still sucks.

It all sucks. Depression, Anxiety and all of the rest. It’s like living a life where everything is muffled and distorted, everything everyone says or does instantly means something different. Always concentrating SO HARD to try to make sense of things.

I am getting better at asking for help though, sometimes I withdraw and wont admit to feeling horrible but the people who love me the most know these signs better now. Social outings are a struggle but you can’t live your life as a shut in, as much as I would love that. I struggle with been to self-aware and always feeling like I have to explain everything, but I am working on it all. I am lucky to have people in my life that will forgive me for my mistakes and love me regardless.

So I guess that you take the good with the bad, pull your socks up and hope to dear god that you have your seat belt on because the ride will get bumpy and you gotta hold your shit together if you are going to get through it. Am I terrified of the future? Hell yes I am and if you say that you aren’t then I will have to do a whole other post on liars because that’s what you are. The thought of having kids terrifies me, I am enough of a mess so I don’t want to ruin someone else’s life but the husband assures me that I won’t because I’m a good person and because I wont be doing it alone. I have to remember that.                                                                         I am not alone.


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