I went to Sydney to see a psychiatrist from the black dog institute.
After less than an hour with him I was officially diagnosed. Bipolar type 2….
I had long ago given up on the idea that having a diagnosis would somehow fix things for me, so it’s not like I was going in to see this guy pinning all my future happiness on it. But as he prattled on about his professional opinion I suddenly had this empty and numb feeling come through me. Having this guys answer as to why I have been so crazy all of these years wasn’t going to make it go away. I will be going back on the medication train and the ups and downs may get better, but they will always exist. For the first time ever I was actually ok with that.
It should be noted that It’s very likely that I am in a high stage at the moment as for the last two weeks motivation has seemingly punched me in the face. Good thing? yes, how long will it last? your guess is as good as mine.
Let me talk a little bit about weight loss, I am trying to be healthy at the moment as per mental health people telling me it will make me feel a lot better…….I call bullshit….Yeah it’s fucking cool as beans when you actually lose weight but the trying to lose it sucks balls. You know those people that look amazing when they work out?..Yeah well I’m not one of them…I have a genetic curse that causes my face to brighten like a ripe tomato pretty much as soon as I step out the door. Then I spend the rest of the work out huffing like I have a cancerous lung while trying to look cool, which if you haven’t cottoned on to by now….I’m not at all…… People who go on health kicks seem to start out relatively normal about it all and then they cross a line and then suddenly they are crazily addicted to it, which is fine, it’s good to be passionate things. So I am hoping that that line isn’t far off for me. Unfortunately I think I will cross the “I’M ADDICTED TO COOKIES” line long before the “I CAN’T WAIT TO GO WALKING AND DO PUSH UPS!!” line comes into play.
I went for a walk with husband man, the company was lovely but the walking part SUCKED. When I don’t get any/enough sleep my body/brain do some peculiar things. I will start off relatively normal. I would lay around and sometimes even attempt to get some sleep and then a little voice comes in.
Voice: Pssst you know what you should do?
Voice: You should go for a run.
Me: But I never run, hell I only walk if it is absolutely necessary.
Voice: You are already awake though, and think of how awesome you will feel once you get out and do it…..seriously you will feel awesome, I would even go as far as to say you will feel like a totally new person.
Me: Well I guess so, since you put it that way….Are you sure though? I’m actually pretty tired from that whole not sleeping thing.
Voice: Would I lie to you?
Me: Well you did convince me to melt that block of chocolate and poor it on a bowl of popcorn and then to eat it all by myself….and then there was the tub of ice cream I was supposed to be eating in moderation that you said would taste better if I ate it in one sitting and then ended up spending the night puking from eating to much.
Voice: That shit was amazing, you would have being stupid NOT to do it!! Think about how awesome it tasted.
Me: Well you aren’t wrong
Voice: There you go!! So you should totally go for that run now.
Me: You’re right it would completely rejuvenate me!!
Voice: Sounds good, now RUN LIKE THE WIND!!
Me: You got it!!
HALF AN HOUR LATER!!
I stumble into the house as if I have just been chased by a gang of ravenous bears whilst having an asthma attack.
Voice: How was it trooper?
Me: I hate you
About an hour later, after I have sufficiently scolded myself for being stupid enough to think it was a good idea and I am satisfied with my current breathing pattern. Someone makes a return.
Me: Don’t talk to me.
Voice: Come on, don’t be like that. Honest mistake.
Voice: SO anyway, you know what is a great idea.
Voice: You should totally make a cake and eat it all by yourself.
Me: Sounds like a plan to me.
The point I was trying to make is that instead of resting my body/brain convinces me that the best thing to do is to really push myself and see how much I can do or eat before I collapse but I think the only thing I managed to do was convince people that I have Schizophrenia.
On that note I will be on my way, my cats keep staring at me and their eyes are saying “If you don’t feed me right now I am going to sneak into your room tonight and when you wake up you probably wont have any toes. Balls in your court”