Should I stay or should I go?

I set this blog up with the plan to write about everything and anything,as long as it wasn’t about my own life. But it’s not very realistic considering this will be a blog that holds all of my personal feelings and thoughts about the everything and anything I was referring to earlier.

So I am breaking that rule, which is a record for me since I have only posted once on here.

Depression and Anxiety have played a huge part in my life and at times they have completely ruled it. As I have gotten older I expected that it would go away, that it might have just been a selfish faze. But with age the only thing that has changed is the intensity of it all.

What generally happens is that every 6 months or so I would have a complete breakdown where I would have take some time off work, go back onto medication and see someone regularly about my problems. Eventually I would click back to happiness or something would happen to perk me back up. Actually the last time I clicked back to happiness was because a very special man entered my life.

The latest mental breakdown I have suffered however has been an entirely different kettle of fish. Not only has it only been 3 or so months since my last one but this one has been completely different and a lot worse. It has really shown me that I need to make a big change in my lifestyle as this is something that I am going to have to live with.

I work at a group home at the moment and it’s shift work which includes active nights ( you stay up and work from 11pm to 7am) of which I can’t do anymore, so I am currently about to interview for a new position within the same company which would I would be more suited for. The only problem is this isn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I have wanted to do a million different things but the one career choice that has stayed with me all through my life, and that is writing books.

I mainly want to write fiction novels probably staying towards the horror or drama genre. Don’t be deterred by my horrible grammar and punctuation because these things only play a tiny part in a creating a world.

Work makes it difficult to keep up with a passion/interest/hobbie, let alone adding in needing to finish a cert three in disabilities and then there is the fact that every few months my mental health decides to take a vacation and leave me crawling around on the floor trying to pick up the pieces of something that used to resemble my life.

To write like I want to I would need to cut down on work a considerable amount as it takes a lot of brain power and energy been a support worker and a drained brain is of no use to me. But this where the tricky part comes into play. Sure I can lower my hours and see if I will be able to write, but I just don’t think that is what I want to do.

If I am been completely honest here, all I really want to do is quit my job and start writing full time. I think I could write something that people would like. Hell, if I published something that only one person liked that would be a dream come true. But this dream isn’t realistic. The boyfriend thinks that I could do it if I really wanted to because he thinks we could live easily off the one pay check. It would be a huge risk though and I feel like I would be seen as lazy if I was to get a writers block and sit around for weeks at a time watching TV waiting for my muse to turn up.

Money wise we could survive off one paycheck but I also want to travel. I don’t want to go all over the world, just to Europe and maybe see some of the states as well and then there is the buying of houses that couples do so they can start a family. I always wanted a family, and I still do but I don;t think I want one as quickly as I used to. I have stuff I need to do first.

Let’s lay it all out…..

1. I quit my job and try to write full time, this would be a long term plan that would pay off later rather than right now. Travel, home buying and baby plans would have to be pushed back.

2. Lower my hours and see if I can write and work, knowing that though I will try to have an even balance eventually one or the other or both will suffer. If by some miracle this was to work we would still be able to save to travel or buy a house but the length of time it would take me to finish whatever I was writing would be long and frustrating.

and 3. Forget about writing and focus on my current career and just be happy that I have a job and keep the writing at how it is now…..a few random paragraphs every few weeks.

The only way to make your passion into a career is to take a giant leap into it and hope for the best. It would be one hell of a risk and would be a pretty big struggle until I got onto my feet. But just because I love it does that make it a good enough reason to change the direction of the relationship? It’s not only my me that would jumping, the boyfriend would be as well.

Do I jump into the unknown and give it a shot, or forget it and just keep dreaming?

Maybe I should focus on getting on one thing at a time, like getting my medications fixed.

I am beginning to mash the letters on my keyboard as I am running out of steam, so I will bid you a good night and retire to my snoring fiance.



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